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Thrive Beyond Pornography: Daily Summaries Delivered
by Zach Spafford
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- Oct 17, 202214 min
New podcast Direction
Hey, everybody welcome to our podcast I think you guys probably noticed something that there was no intro music. did you did you guys notice that did you notice that Darcy I don't know because I can't hear it. So. If you notice that there was no welcome to episode number 163 this is the one hundred and sixty third episode of our podcast the podcast that I've been producing since October of 2019 so that's kind of cool and you probably notice that there's no intro music or intro. Whatever. That we usually hear every time you turn on the podcast. We're changing. We're growing and we're looking to become hopefully more valuable to you as we do that. So the very first thing that I want you to know from us is that there's a name change. You might have noticed that. Maybe when you open up your app this morning for the first time in a week that that the name of the podcast has changed to thrive beyond pornography or it might not be updated yet depend. Yeah on you might know same device to use. It can sometimes take a week for that to like process through. Apple Podcasts or Amazon or Spotify wherever you're listening from that said, the reason we changed. The name is a really important one and d'arcy and I have we've kind of worked a lot on thriving. Becoming a thriving couple becoming individuals who are thriving on our own and hopefully you guys have been doing the same for yourselves. So we want to focus on. And and this is the second thing that you'll probably notice as we go forward. Is you know we're going to continue to focus on individuals who have struggled to overcome pornography. We are also going to integrate what was once separate coaching for individuals to couples and those in relationships. Who want to not just eliminate a pornography struggle from their lives. But really begin to move past that and begin to thrive and begin to create growth and intimacy in their most valuable relationships. Darcy and I have worked on that a lot ourselves we we found that. And and I've said this to so many people as they've come through and done a consult with me or just talked to us in random places at random times because people stop us and they're like hey you talk about porn all the time. Yeah, absolutely. Um and I've said this so many times it's when the couple. Really does the work together is when the relationship moves forward the most effectively and it's also when the person who struggles with pornography is able to move forward most effectively. It's when the person who doesn't struggle with pornography who may feel wounded and. Oftentimes the word betrayed comes out and they are trying to find a new reality that they're proud of we we want to help both those people we want to help spouses. We want to help the person who struggles. So that's why we're changing. From from the self-mastery podcast to thrive beyond pornography. Additionally, we are going to change some of the things that we do in our coaching our coaching will now offer more to both spouses as they work together to move forward. Through and then beyond the struggles that have been keeping them from thriving. So if you've been listening to our podcast long enough. You've probably noticed that we don't just say hey remove pornography and everything's going to be amazing. And one of the things that we realized in our own journey was that just stopping the behavior of Zach turning to pornography did not necessarily create the thriving marriage that we wanted the intimacy and the connection. And the sexual relationship that we wanted. It was a great thing and it was exciting when he did stop turning for pornography but it it wasn't the answer to creating the thriving marriage that we wanted to yeah it didn't help heal. Everything that needed to be healed and it didn't give us necessarily the tools to actually enjoy each other to not make it problematic when something went wrong and to you know, keep from creating long-term rifts in our in our relationship. So...
- Oct 10, 202221 min
How we justify and it leads to porn
One of my clients sent me a message a couple of weeks ago that I thought was common but interesting. He was talking about how he had become bored while he was studying and the thought crossed his mind to google something that he could tell at the time was a distraction from what he would ideally choose. He just wanted a little high, just wanted to kill time with something interesting, as he described it. I wanted something more subtle. Then he moved from there, out of curiosity googled, “do people walk around naked at home?” So, he asked me, “Is there anything that I can do, even when my brain is being subtle, is there any tool that I can catch myself?” Knowing as he mentioned in his voice memo, I would suggest that he listen to my course video “the truth, the justification, and the lie” Then he said, “Is there anything that I can do to get rid of this right away?” One of the things I do in my individual coaching is deep dive into what is going on in the 30 or so minutes before we choose pornography. For this client, his brain is being very subtle as it offers him something that will be highly appealing at the moment. What is happening for him in that moment is that the habit running part of the brain has received a cue, that subtly begins the response process, in order to create a highly appealing reward. In episode 69 I dive into how our brain can create new habits. One of the keys that this client and everyone who is working to eliminate a pornography habit from their life must do is create and practice new ways to respond to cues. I know that sounds overly simplistic, even if it is true. Those who join my membership and those who get individual coaching with me work on some very specific techniques to retrain their brains to respond to the cues we receive in order to avoid the rabbit hole altogether in the long run. Before we change our habits, we have to be able to recognize when our brain is being subtle and start identifying where we are playing into its desire to feel good now rather than deal with what’s uncomfortable. I think there are a few questions I might to ask that might help decipher between the wholesome passing of time and the start of the rabbit hole. It’s also really important to ask these questions with the same curiosity that you are bringing to the questions that are working to pull you away from your values. Is what I am currently doing on the internet something that I would be comfortable and confident doing when I am at my best and living my values? If I were to ask myself on my best day, considering my current relationship with pornography would I encourage myself to search away on the current topic or would I be able to see that I might be approaching a line of what I would feel was contrary to my values? If I look into my past have there been similar instances like this that have lead me down a path that I am wanting to stay off? If I were on the outside looking in would I be comfortable with the person I am currently being?
- Oct 3, 202224 min
Principles and the New FSY Guide
Set a Free consultation with Zach at zachspafford.com/workwithzach
- Sep 26, 202214 min
Begin to Thrive Beyond Pornography
Set up a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach Thrive Beyond Pornography
- Sep 19, 202220 min
Why do People view porn before bed?
Why do I view porn before bed?If you are listening to this podcast, you are probably like everyone else on the planet and have chosen to do something that feels good right now at the expense of sleep. I know I’ve done it. Whether it is watching one more episode of that binge-able new tv show until you look over and its 4 am or knowing you are so tired but you just keep scrolling social or crawling into bed, feeling ready to sleep then, your mind offers you that “you’re alone” and “you might as well get away for a bit.” These are all real-life examples from my life, Darcy’s life, and the lives of my clients. And if you are human, as imagine there is an example like this in your life that makes you wonder, “Why did I choose that instead of sleep?” For many of my clients, the hour before bed is a regular time when they choose pornography. Today we’re going to look at why that may be and give you some really clear, actionable tools to put you in a position to make the decisions that meet your values when confronted with the urge to view porn before bed. It can feel easier short termIt’s easier to do than quieting our mind It’s easier than laying there restless It’s easier than tossing and turning It’s easier than transitioning to the next thing It can be engagingCuriosity is probably one of the key reasons our brain engages us in pornography viewing. What does this person look like nude? Who is this person? How can I see more of this person? Problem-solving is one of the most powerful things our brain does. When it comes to viewing porn or binging screens late at night, the problem solving feedback here is twofold. First, it is solving for anxiety by avoiding it. Second, it is solving for our desire to know as much as we can. Learning is an outgrowth of curiosity and problem solving and our brain feels justified in learning everything it can about the world around it. It can feel greatDopamine, Arousal Escape from responsibility It has been shown to help sleep quality A study reported that 65% of participants who had an orgasm before going to bed reported better sleep quality. in order to attain high-quality sleep, our bodies should be able to enter a state of relaxation and calmness. Cortisol is a stress hormone that prevents that. It’s often associated with our body’s fight or flight response, making our bodies feel more alert and restless. Fortunately, research shows that masturbation and sexual intercourse inhibit this stress-inducing hormone's production. Cortisol is also often associated with a slew of health problems, from high blood pressure and fatigue to decreased bone density, so it’s always ideal to have a low count of cortisol in your body. (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality)) I’ll link to that information in the notes. I want to be clear, I’m not advocating viewing pornography and masturbation in order to improve your sleep. What I’m offering is an understanding of why this habit may have formed and why you may be engaging in it as you do fall asleep. This is about realizing that you might be using orgasms to manage stress and cortisol levels. Fortunately, these are not the only ways to manage your stress, cortisol, or sleep patterns. And just knowing what you are facing gives you a lot of power to make changes and change patterns. That’s why we have the membership, so you can figure out what is happening and resolve it, even if you can’t see it yourself at first. I know that for me, there were many times that I lay awake at night, and...
- Sep 12, 202213 min
How to never fail again at overcoming pornography forever
One of the biggest issues that every person who works to overcome pornography has is that they often feel like they are failing if they have any sort of setback or make any sort of mistake in the way that they are handling themselves. So today we are going to talk about two ways to ensure that you never fail again when it comes to overcoming pornography. A guy that I was working with told me the story of when he was doing a physical challenge of some sort, I think it was a multi-day race, and he stopped at a home that was part of the race support. I heard this story a long time ago, so the details are a little fuzzy for me, but the message is clear. He goes into the house, they point him to a bedroom and since it’s the end of the day and he’s been racing all day, he goes in, faceplants into the bed and goes to sleep. Fast forward to the next morning and his wife, who, for some reason didn’t sleep in the room with him, comes in to wake him up. As she does this, she notices that the wall above my friend’s head is a mural of a naked woman. I imagine some of you are right now thinking of your partner or yourself and wondering how much trouble that guy was in. Turns out he was in quite a bit of trouble. His wife was quite furious with him that he had slept in that room and let him have it. So my friend defends himself by saying that he had no idea, he had just come into the room, it was dark, he hadn’t even gotten undressed, that he had just slept in the room without even looking around because he was so tired from the race he had been running. This is key number one making your journey to overcoming pornography forever fail-proof: Learn to recognize what is problematic and what is incidental. Too often, we become hyper-sensitive and hyper-focused on the ways in which pornography intersects our life and this intense management of the thing we want so badly to avoid creates a reality where we are more likely to notice it, and often, we beat ourselves up over it reinforcing a negative reality. Just the same way you notice every car on the road that looks like the one you just bought, your brain is constantly looking for ways to reinforce itself. This happens in ways that are positive and valuable and it also happens in ways that reinforce negativity in our lives. In the case of my friend, the fact that there was a mural of a naked woman on the wall above his head was a non-issue until his wife made it into a big deal, reinforcing a number of negativities that seem inescapable. I don’t know what her thoughts were, but I imagine she felt like we can never get away from this, that no matter what, we always have to be diligent, and maybe any trauma that she experienced was being dredged up and relived in that moment. For him, it might have been that he will never be able to do enough to stay away from this, that even when he isn’t doing anything, he still gets in trouble because of his past behavior, and maybe even that his wife will never get over this and that it is a hopeless issue. Think about what you’ve felt over the time you’ve struggled, what would you have thought or felt. I know that I would certainly have felt attacked for something I didn’t do and that I had no control over. If you want to overcome pornography forever, you need to be able to triage what has happened in order to understand if there is something more to do. In this case, there really wasn’t anything to be done. My friend had no idea the mural existed, and as such, nothing happened and there was nothing to learn from the experience. This, in a lot of ways, could be summed up as stuff happens, and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be won’t make it better. The second thing...
- Sep 5, 202226 min
Re-Focus, Re-Habit, Re-think to Overcome Porn Forever
Join the membership for 50% off using promo code LABORDAY50 Click here to join https://www.zachspafford.com/jointhemembership Here is a story that we are all familiar with, that we all believe is true, and that we inflict on ourselves when we think about our pornography struggle. The story begins with us seeing the hero of the story at their lowest point. They are being crushed by the world and see no light, no end to their suffering, and no way to rise above the challenges that are before them. In this struggle, they come across a single truth, weapon, or skill that opens possibilities to them, creates a path forward, and allows them to triumph. While I struggled with pornography, I found that this is how I thought of what I needed to overcome pornography forever. I thought, if Heavenly Father can just give me that one tool, that one skill, or just take this one thing away from me, then I would be immediately successful and clearly win this fight. I don’t know if you have thought of your porn struggle in this same way, but this was my mindset for a very long time when it came to pornography. I’m sure, that like Saul who saw Jesus on his travels and was renamed Paul, there are people for whom extraordinary shifts occur in moments and then, forevermore, that newly minted being of awesomeness is plagued no more by their trials. I know, for me, that this wasn’t the case. I found that really overcoming pornography forever was about three things. Regularly refocusing, habits around my urges, and experimenting with totally new ways of thinking. In the process of overcoming pornography, I found myself regularly discouraged when a setback occurred or a process that I had put in place seemed to fail. For a long time, this lead to an out-of-control spiral and frustrating despair. Each time made mistakes, I had to dig out of that hole and refocus and redouble my efforts. The clear lesson for me around this is, that you don’t have to wait until you make a mistake to refocus. If you are working to overcome pornography, setting regular checkpoints, working with a coach, or regularly evaluating your progress, process, and potential is something you can set up before you make mistakes. Adding key touchpoints to help you evaluate and adjust will yield high levels of self-awareness and pivot points that allow you to move toward your values. These regular refocus sessions, whether you are doing them on your own or with a coach can help you clarify where you stand, what you are doing well, and if there is an area that you might want to improve. If you are thinking about overcoming pornography forever from a strategic perspective, checking in with what’s working and setting time to evaluate it is a perfect start to getting you where you want to go. You might have a daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly refocus session set on your calendar where you celebrate your wins and see how you want to focus your energy for the next period. Speaking of how to focus your energy, one of the key components that you’ll need to focus on is how you are habitually dealing with urges. Willpower is a regular go-to when we engage with our brain around urges. But if you’ve been listening to the podcast, you know that willpower fades and is never enough to totally eliminate pornography from your life. Creating and practicing new ways to deal with urges seems really simple, I know. When it comes to the things you are most effective at in your life, you have created habitual ways to engage with them. I’m reminded of Phil Mickelson and Michael Jordan and Tom Brady. Each of them has risen to the height of their sport. But how? By doing the same things, over and over and over and over until it was habitual, not reactionary. My...
- Aug 29, 202214 min
Viewing Pornography is A Lot Like Getting A Participation Trophy
As I was discussing pornography with one of my clients, an odd phrase occurred to me. Pornography is a participation trophy. On the podcast we don’t do a lot of porn bashing, mostly because when people come to listen I feel like they already have a really keen sense of shame and know full well that watching porn is not their ideal way of engaging in life. And a concept that has been bubbling around in my head for a while is how effective pornography is at engaging people. Let me tell you what I mean. First off, I think its really important to recognize that validation is one of the most highly sought after interactions a lot of us chase. We look to others to validate our views, this is why we see the ever narrowing of our social media spheres of influence. We want the news programs that we watch to validate our sense of the world. We want our politicians to validate our sense of fairness or that the other side is doing us wrong. Closer to home, we want our partner to validate the view we have of ourselves as a good spouse, a good parent, and a good lover. Why else would you ask, “How was it?” after dinner or dessert? We want validation for a number of reasons, most important among them, it feels good. This is part of the reason why, when we ask our spouse if they want to make love and they say no, it can be some of the most disorganizing, frustrating, and invalidating words our spouse can say. When they say no, however they say no, it can feel personal, causing us to worry and feel like we aren’t enough, even that our spouse has rejected us. So many of us feel even worse because we might have put in all kinds of effort to make the rejection less likely by cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, or whatever we think might keep our spouse from being able to say, “Yes.” This desire for validation, especially the validation that I’m ok or I’m enough then shows up sometimes as neediness. I have a client who would view pornography and then after he viewed pornography and told his wife, he would mope and pout until she would have sex with him. He connected her having sex with him as a re-validation of himself into a person that was worthy of participating in their life. As I’ve thought about pornography and it’s capacity to draw people in, although this is not the only reason people view porn, it seems to me that one really clear reason why people choose pornography is that it always validates them. Think about it. No one ever goes to google and types in a search only to have the system say, “Oh, not tonight, I’m just not in the mood”. Pornography is, especially in today’s day and age, always on. It always says, “Yes”. It is willing to try out anything you might want to try. It like the things you like. It believes in what you believe. It wants to please you. The face it makes is always one of desire for you. You see, porn is like the participation trophy of emotional and sexual interaction. You didn’t really earn it, but you got it anyway. The difficult reality is, when we are willing to face up to who we want to really be, most of us don’t want participation trophies. Most of us want our lives to be a mix of real desire and honest growth. Neither of which come at a command, but are earned with effort, over time.
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About Thrive Beyond Pornography
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse. At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills
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