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by Ally Hamilton
How much do childhood wounds shape who we become? What does it mean to heal? How can you be a deeply feeling person in this world and not lose your mind right now? We'll get into all of that and more.
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- Today52 min
Somebody That I Used to Know
There’s a thing about open doors: If you have to abandon yourself at the threshold so you can enter and be received with love, that open door is an invitation to betray yourself for someone else’s comfort. That open door is a trapdoor.Hello friends, welcome to the this week’s podcast episode, which is based on an essay I published a couple of weeks ago. I read the essay to start us off, a thing I don’t always do, because this piece resonated with a lot of readers, and I know people prefer to have an audio version that isn’t read by a bot. I am no fan of bots, as I believe I made clear in last week’s essay. Who can keep up with all the insanity these days? I’m already writing a new essay in my head about the importance of the free press, which is under attack again. But let’s stay with ambiguous grief, the topic of “Somebody That I Used to Know” — that’s the kind of grief you feel when you lose someone who is still alive. So many of us have experienced — or are currently living with — that kind of loss. I’d imagine most of us have felt it at least once, at the end of a romantic relationship, or when a friendship lasts for a season, and not a lifetime. The painful feeling of knowing someone is out there, a person you used to text first when something significant or silly happened, or you saw a meme that made you laugh, or you got scary or upsetting news — and now you have no idea what their life is like. It hurts, it’s brutal sometimes, but it’s also the nature of things. None of us lasts forever, so these “small deaths” are a kind of practice test, a way to train ourselves to get used to impermanence and our own vulnerability.When I started writing the essay, I wanted to defend and reassure grown children who experience parental or familial gaslighting, it’s no reflection on them. It’s personal to me, I lived that way for decades with my mother. I loved her so much, but she did not make it easy. I started thinking about this topic because I came across an article (and wished I hadn’t) written by a mother who said she’d “left the door open” for her adult, estranged daughter, and that she prayed one day her daughter would walk through that open door. She was writing about her grief over the loss of her child, the pain she feels, and I’m sure she is in pain. However. I think there are many of us who’ve heard some version of that story. My child wants little to do with me, I am devastated, I’ve tried to communicate, and now I’ve decided to live my life. But the door is open. There’s a thing about open doors: If you have to abandon yourself at the threshold so you can enter and be received with love, that open door is an invitation to betray yourself for someone else’s comfort. “Accept my version of reality, and all will be well again.” “Pretend I haven’t hurt you, and we can go back to the way things were.” “Act like the things I’ve said or done don’t matter, like they didn’t happen even if they broke your heart, and we can enjoy a family dinner. “ “Just because I voted for a man who makes you less safe, behave as though that’s ‘only politics’ and shouldn’t be a thing that comes between us.” “Even though he breaks every Commandment, pretend it makes sense when I say I voted for him because I’m a conservative Christian.” “Though you meant no harm, though you were simply trying to exist in the world and say things that were true, grovel before me and I’ll decide if your begging is enough to satisfy me.”That “open door” is a trapdoor, and people who love you don’t ask you to abandon yourself — they love you for who you are. Any parent who is unable to do that over “ideological differences” (read: because their child is a member of the LGBTQ community) is failing that child and themselves, full stop. That’s not Christ-like, it’s devastating. Things have become twisted and strange. There’s a lack of empathy that is horrifying to take in every day, but it doesn’t have to be like this, and it isn’t sustainable. People are not okay. We’re meant to be kind to one another, it feels good as you may have noticed. It feels awful to despise people, it’s exhausting and depleting. I see how it hardens people who succumb, and it’s ugly. The cruelty, the arrogance. There’s no love in that, no joy, no growth. We all get to choose who we’re going to be, though.I hope you enjoy this episode. You might have n
- 2 weeks ago1h 1m
Crying in Public
As ever, this week’s episode is a riff off of this week’s essay. I don’t always read the essay to get things cooking, but I did this week because it felt like a good jumping off point to talk about the broader topic of having a little compassion for ourselves right now, and for each other. For the first time, I also read a comment someone left underneath the essay. If you listen, I think you’ll understand why. There’s really no point in creating anything if there isn’t anyone there to see it or hear it, or receive it and respond. Or maybe that isn’t exactly right. Maybe if any one of us who writes or paints or makes music, suddenly found ourselves starring in a real-life version of one of those dystopian tv shows or films that are so popular, we’d still make our art. I know if I thought I were the last person on earth (or in some space station where everyone else had perished), I’d find a way to write, but I can’t think of anything lonelier than writing into a vast universe with no hope of a response, can you? I don’t think any of us would want to be the last person on earth or floating through space, and when you watch those shows or films, the one thing the person is always motivated to do is find out if anyone is “out there.” As much as people seem to scream at each other on the internet, we do long for connection. We do want to be understood.It hurts to be human right now, or it does if you’re paying attention to what’s happening in the world, and letting yourself feel the emotions anyone would feel in the face of so much heartache and violence. It’s especially painful when you acknowledge that so much of this is unnecessary. We don’t have to be living this way. Of course there’s the inherent grief that’s built into the mix of loving people because we don’t last forever. There’s the grief of losing relationships for other reasons, too. I am talking about casual, intentional cruelty, though. Here in the states we’re seeing so much of that, and for people who think and feel the way I do, it is unfathomable that anyone would have voted for this. Twice. There are times I have to get away from the screens and go outside and breathe, sit alone by the ocean, or walk my dog until we’re both ready to curl up under a blanket, because it is a constant onslaught, and it makes my head spin sometimes. It is okay not to be okay. Being apathetic is the thing that is worrisome.There are times I have to take a break so I can remind myself the world is beautiful. I have to recalibrate and fill my tank so I can fight for the world I love, and the one I want for my children, and all our children — and for us, too. I read the reader comment because it is meaningful and poignant, and also as a reminder that we’re all connected, and our fates are tied. Whether we’re talking about seemingly small things, like letting someone merge on the freeway (I would argue this is no small thing, but rather the kind of magic that restores my faith in humanity), or the way we’re treating our allies, our actions matter, they have an impact on the people around us, and a ripple effect that travels farther than we might think. Some people understand this and live their lives accordingly. They embody kindness, acceptance, generosity and love. They move through the world without armor, and they don’t take it personally when people attack them. They see the pain underneath the words. (This is what I would call an advanced spiritual practice.) That’s why we feel so heartbroken when we lose them, and why people who wouldn’t normally, might cry in public when talking about them. This episode is dedicated to the one and only Dolly Parton. If you have it to spare, people have been donating $9.25 (“9 to 5”) to her Imagination Library all week, and I think she would be so tickled by that. I linked it in the essay, but I’ll link it again here This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- Aug 2, 202657 min
Gods, Moms, and Monsters, An Odyssey
Today on the pod, Dina and I talk about holding the ache of the empty nest and the excitement of what a third act might hold simultaneously, the odyssey of the “male genius” and whether any of them will ever take a note along the way? We’re looking at you Chris Nolan and Steven Spielberg (lol, they’re not sweating it), and the very real pain of losing close friends when the request to “agree to disagree” means you have to accept not all people are deserving of empathy, dignity, and bodily autonomy. A line many of us are not willing to cross. Also, the horror, despair, and heartbreak of recognizing your old friend is now standing on the other side of that line.That’s the nutshell version of our conversation, but as ever, we dug in. We both have older teenage/young adult kids on the cusp of their own heroes’ journeys, and the mixed bag of pride and unending love, along with mourning for the days of chubby arms around our necks, waists, legs, is real. So is the joy of the new kinds of adventures you have with your adult kids.We both saw Disclosure Day, and Dina just saw The Odyssey, and wrote about her feelings, too, so after you listen to this conversation, if you’d like more (you will) you’ll find her essay here. Get ready for gems like this, which you’ll also hear in our talk,It can’t be that hard to imagine a version of Helen who, bored with her Spartan trinkets and grossed out by Menelaus scratching his balls with the same hand he eats with, manifests a different future for herself.So yes, we laughed a lot. I wrote about losing a friend this week, but also about the pain of being asked to pretend things aren’t what they are. There were some tears in this episode, too. You can find my essay here. This is the heart of it,One thing I dislike with the heat of a thousand suns is the feeling that arises when someone says they love you, but wants you to stand in a field of horse manure and pretend it smells like roses. Being asked to behave like things are not as they are, or to carry on after something hurtful has happened without any kind of acknowledgement, is an invitation to betray yourself so someone else can feel comfortable. That’s the moment love starts dying on the vine. What’s the point of standing there, smiling with sad eyes while we murder any chance of intimacy or trust between us? The first time someone asks won’t be the last. The first time is a test, and failing is the only way you win.It’s always such a joy to be in conversation with all of you.Sending you so much love. Watch out for those Trojan horses ;)Ally & Dina This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- Jul 23, 20261h 17m
Broken Boys and Angry Men
A conversation with my son about what it means to be a good man. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- Jul 14, 20261h 10m
Go Ahead, Jump to Conclusions
It’s been a minute since I did a podcast without a guest, but this week’s episode is me, talking to you, about a thing we can all agree is never a good idea — namely, jumping to conclusions. I am someone who has always taken my time figuring out what to make of people, situations, ideas, and even my own thoughts once in a while. Some of that might be my nature, some of it is surely nurture. I grew up in an environment where it made sense to pay attention to the clues, to test the waters, to look for any change in the weather, in an effort to keep the peace, and keep myself safe. Maybe you relate, and understand I don’t mean the literal weather. Old habits die hard.However, sometimes people make it exceedingly easy to figure out whether you want to ride the ride. They might say something so demeaning about women and girls, you no longer have to wonder about what kind of person they are, or what kind of values they hold. If a man said he grabs women by the pussy — you would know without any doubt, that man has no respect for women at all, and would not be a man you would want to encounter alone. You would not trust him with your daughters, or anyone’s daughters. Certainly not a country-full of daughters. That is not a man who is going to be thinking about women as equal, full-bodied human beings who deserve dignity and respect and the same rights as boys and men. It’s clear as day. If a man said assault victims should “just take some responsibility for themselves” to avoid being attacked and, “act like an adult for f***s sake” and stay away from alcohol so they don’t end up in “a compromising situation” you would also know this is not a safe man, and not a man who respects women or understands the world we’re living in. You wouldn’t need to spend more time deciding if this was the man to represent your interests as a candidate, unless you didn’t care about the interests of girls and women. He’s spelling it out for you across the sky. The Maya Angelou quote comes to mind, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Or to give it a timely spin, “When someone shows you they’re a predatory-abusive-rapey-misogynistic-narcissist, believe them the first time.” There is a human desire to twist ourselves in knots when we don’t want a thing to be true, or we want something so much, we are willing to convince ourselves what we’re seeing or hearing is not really that bad. When the “grab ‘em by the pussy” tapes came out, people who wanted to vote for the president said, “It’s just locker room talk.” But that is predator-talk. That is malignant narcissist-talk. That is misogynistic talk. That is the talk of a man who believes the rules do not apply to him.Progressives who stuck with Platner, overlooking one scandal after another, saying “Conservatives don’t care if their candidates are predators, so Progressives shouldn’t, either,” and, “Way to go with your purity tests, hope you’re happy when Susan Collins wins” … seem to have forgotten the foundation of the Progressive Party, which is all people deserve to be treated with dignity. If you are going to throw girls and women outside the circle of care instantly because you want to “win” — you will be winning more of what we already have. No thanks.Here’s another question on my mind this week — how many times can you lie to people before they stop believing you at all? There’s “flooding the zone” with constant mayhem which exhausts people, but there’s also the never-ending river of gaslighting. I can see how exhausting people might work in their favor, but the constant lies have created a scenario where they have no credibility with anyone who is sane. I cannot see how that’s a good thing. That’s where we are now. Maybe that’s the downside to “alternate facts.” That’s why people were clamoring for “proof of life” from the office of Mitch McConnell, and why those requests reached a crescendo over the weekend. Even when they put out a picture of Mitch with his wife on Sunday, people wondered if it was AI generated, or a recirculated picture that was released in 2023. Hey tech bro billionaires, y’all are the ones who just love your environment-destroying AI, so enjoy the chaos. Apparently the photo is real, and as long as Mitch keeps voting against the SAVE Act, he is not my top concern.Lindsey Graham dying Saturday night of a “brief and sudden illness” — which se
- Jun 10, 20261h 24m
Monster of a Land
When Lauren Hough set off on a road trip across America with Woody, her husky mix and extremely excellent constant companion, it was partly because there were always reasons not to take the trip. Always reasons not to sit by the redwoods, swim in the creeks, see the ocean. Sometimes people wait so long, they never see the places they always wanted to see, and then it’s too late.It was partly because Texas Highways kept sending her out on the road to cover stories, and Lauren likes to drive. But also, it was because the internet had “broken her brain.” In Monster of a Land: On the Road in Search of Modern America, Lauren captures the experience of being chronically online, and what it’s doing all of us. Things you can’t do while driving: scroll on your phone, answer texts, check Twitter. It’s easy to dehumanize people on a device, we all know this. It’s another thing to be on the receiving end of a wild lack of compassion when you’re going through a tragedy — personally or collectively. If you live in places like Texas, Florida, California — any state with extreme weather that is also hated by “the left” or “the right” — then you know exactly how it feels. It was brutal to be in the midst of wildfires in California, for example, watching them devour entire neighborhoods overnight, while people online were saying, “Whatever, those celebrities will just buy new mansions next week.” Haha, super funny. Let me check the app again to see if I need to evacuate with my kids and my dog, and the artwork from their childhoods and the photographs I can fit in my trunk.We’ve all had our less-than-compassionate moments, though, it’s a sign of these times. I’ve had so many conversations with the kindest people I know, and that is the worst lament of all — “I’m a good person, I’ve never wished ill on anyone, I don’t want to be this enraged all the time. I don’t want to feel hate in my heart.”Lauren crosses America with Woody in tow, and meets people along the way, because Woody. People you might dismiss or even disparage online, but in person, everything changes. In Monster of a Land, you see the country with Lauren, and the people in it, and realize maybe all this rage is misdirected. The ideas you might have had about how a place would look when you got there, or how the people would be if you stopped to chat…what if they were all wrong? What if the enemy isn’t who you think it is? What if we could solve everything by being a lot kinder to one another … and maybe opening some local pubs? Checking on our neighbors? That would be crazy, wouldn’t it?We had such a great conversation. Lauren very generously read four passages from her incredible book. I hope you enjoy the talk. I know you’ll enjoy the trip. Monster of a Land: In Search of Modern America comes out June 16th, but you can order it now! It’s the road trip for our times.Come As You Are is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- Jun 3, 20261h 44m
The Injustice System
This episode is about the two different justice systems that exist: one for clean-cut, well-off white boys and men, and another for the rest of us. This topic was spurred on by Judge Nicholas Rowland’s devastatingly lenient sentencing of three teenage boys in the U.K. on May 21st — but this is, infuriatingly and unconscionably — nothing new. Start paying attention to cases like these, and there’s no missing it. We talked about assault in a straightforward way because sadly, it is a fact of life. We’d love for that to change.When girls and women accuse “upstanding” young white men of rape — men like Brock Turner, Jesse Mack Butler, Mason Lee Gipson, Christopher Belter, Reuben Vanstiphout, Steven van de Velde, and Jacob Walter Anderson to name a few — judges will focus on their “promise and potential”, leaving the girls or women in the courtroom (and the ones watching from elsewhere), to wonder about the intrinsic value of their own lives, and if there might be anything special about the future that lies ahead of them. You wouldn’t think so listening to these judges, or looking at the sentences they give out. Media rags will describe these violent young men as “baby-faced” and put them on the cover for weeks if the cases are high profile enough and it will help them sell papers. It’s been happening for as long as I can remember, back before Robert Chambers, though he was on the cover of newspapers for months on end. “The Preppy Murder” they called it, and even at fifteen, I wondered about Jennifer Levin’s mother, and how she must feel. They described him as a “handsome altar boy”, but that was a narrative painted by his legal team. The truth was a lot darker, but it didn’t matter because he was selling papers. If he hadn’t been so arrogant, I have no doubt that judge would have been talking about his promise and potential eventually, but he got drunk at a party and decided to act out the murder on a Barbie and laugh about it. So he went to jail. That’s how far a guy has to go to pay for what he did. He has to strangle a Barbie on camera and laugh about it while he says, “Oops, I think I killed it.” That’s when a judge will think twice about saying he has “promise.” We talked about what it feels like to know as a girl and as a woman, this is what’s in store if you come forward, and, importantly, we talked about how to change things at home, in the judicial system, and in the world at large. Parents, aunties, anyone who has children, preteens and teens in their lives, please take note (without those young ears around). We talked about rehabilitation in the context of incarceration. Huge love to the fabulous Dina Honour, you can find her brilliant essay on the topic here. My essay about this heartbreaking reality is here. I would be so appreciative if you would sign this petition started by award winning Criminal Behavioural Analyst Laura Richards to Investigate Judge Nicholas Rowland and Introduce Judicial Accountability Framework Now. We really can’t go on this way, it isn’t good for anyone.Sending you lots of love, friends. Thank you to all who were with us live, and thank you to those who listen later. It is so wonderful to be in conversation with you.Ally and Dina This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- May 21, 20261h 22m
The Grace of Loving No Matter What
This episode is all about love, and I am so thankful I got to dig into this topic with these two fantastic human beings and phenomenal writers. Kate’s novel, Book of Grace, is a sweeping, epic love story that cannot be stopped by time, loss, death — or all the different ways women sometimes prevent themselves from following their inner compass because they put themselves last on the list. It asks the questions, how do we love what doesn’t stay? How do we give people grace when they can’t choose us, they can’t choose themselves, or they tell us goodbye for other reasons? Is our love still valid and worthwhile?How would life be if people were their best and highest selves when life handed them curveballs — even painful ones? What would that look like, and what could grow if forgiveness was the soil? What if we didn’t hold on so tightly to our vision of how things should be, and instead allowed something wild and unexpected to take root and flourish? Is it possible we’d be amazed? Is it possible everyone under the tree would blossom?As if to answer those very questions, Katrina’s book, Hurricane Lessons: A memoir of betrayal and becoming is about the unraveling of her twenty-year marriage, and the reclamation of her true self. Sometimes you walk into a Pilates studio thinking you’re there to strengthen your core, and it turns your life inside out. The experience blows through your family like a hurricane. You will be rooting for Katrina every step of the way, but you probably know that just from listening to the talk. We talked about grief. We talked about complicated grief, and how relationships don’t end when people die. We could have talked for hours.I cannot recommend these books enough. These are strange times in our country. There is a persistent and intentional attack on women’s rights, on the LGBTQ community, on women who have decided not to have children, and women who have children, but no support. There are systemic issues like the gender pay gap, a lack of affordable childcare, PTO, affordable healthcare, and a continued pressure for women to carry the mental load for everyone. These are the stories we need in the world right now. I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did (the joy) and I hope you will order these incredible books if you can! Also, big shoutout and so much gratitude to everyone who showed up to be with us live! Elissa Altman thank you for making us laugh, pretty sure the thumbnail attached here is thanks to you, and Paul Crenshaw thank you for this incredible Jack Gilbert poem you recommended when we were talking about reframing relationships that end. A divorce is not a failure. It’s simply a relationship that ended. Come As You Are is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
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About Come As You Are Podcast
How much do childhood wounds shape who we become? What does it mean to heal? How can you be a deeply feeling person in this world and not lose your mind right now? We'll get into all of that and more.
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