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Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction: Daily Summaries Delivered
by Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst
The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking Integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 30-year licensed therapist, a PhD sexologist, and author of Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. Tami is Chief Relationships Officer for Seeking Integrity LLC. Tami brings over 40 years of personal addiction knowledge, helping supply struggling individuals and couples with the resources and direction they need to heal.
Latest Episodes
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- Sep 17, 202657 min
Engaging Your Brain in Repair and Recovery
John Taylor and Tami explore the importance of engaging executive functioning in relationship repair and recovery. John offers several questions that partners can ask to jump-start engagement in rebuilding trust. They then answer participant questions about transactional relationships, realistic expectations for change after 25 years of betrayal, and the reality of building a relationship with someone who is selfish. TAKEAWAYS: [1:10] Why your brain stops working after D-day. [4:30] Hypervigilance is your brain trying to keep you safe. [6:45] Questions to ask that engage the frontal lobe. [7:30] What are we doing here? [13:58] What are our priorities? [17:35] What roles and responsibilities do we need to step into? [21:37] What am I personally doing to align with these priorities? [25:45] Have I considered my partner in my actions? [29:44] Effectively reducing tension in a partnership. [33:26] Do you really want it to go back to how it was before? [34:40] Can we stay together in a low-level transactional companionship? [38:05] What if we don't have a shared value system? [41:57] Is it possible for him to be functional when he's never made lasting changes? [46:38] Is there really no relationship with someone who is selfish? [54:02] How important are postnuptual agreements? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "Things getting calm doesn't switch how the brain functions." "'Fair' means the person who has been betrayed gets to take their time to deliberate and think about terms for continuance." "Vengeance is not restitution or repair." "We have to coax our executive functioning into existence again when it's been compromised." "We have to believe what people show us more than what they tell us."
- Jul 16, 202657 min
How Can I Rebuild Trust?
Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami answer participant questions about sex, love, and addiction. They cover the importance of honoring boundaries, effective check-ins, managing anger, and finding hope when it feels like your addiction has taken over your life. TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] How do I process multiple inner children in me? [5:07] Why has the language around betrayal become sanatized? [11:06] What can I do to finally overcome repeated slips? [17:08] My partner broke my boundary. Now what? [22:55] Should I prioritize finding my why or my sobriety work? [28:09] My spouse refuses to seek help. How can I help? [31:08] I have too many buckets and I'm constantly disregulated. Help! [34:25] How can my betraying partner understand the damage of trickled out disclosures? [38:17] Can check-ins be triggering to the point that they're useful? [45:10] How can a betraying partner rebuild trust? [50:18] Why am I afraid of my husband's anger? [54:46] Is there any hope for an addict like me? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "If your relationships are hurting, why would you want to delay getting the help?" "Do you understand what drives you toward a slip?" "The most important thing you can do to rebuild trust is engage with your partner." "Your behaviors don't define who you are – if you are willing to change them."
- May 26, 202655 min
Sex and Intimacy Q & A for Partners and Parents
Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about boundaries, chronic betrayal, and recovery timelines. They address the pregnant partner, the betrayed spouse with an STD, and the mother of teens who wants to keep her children from following down the path of addiction and betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] Can ketamine EMDR help my betrayed wife? [7:10] I'm pregnant. Should I stop checking in on his recovery? [14:35] Boundaries are set to keep you safe. [16:58] Why should he stop acting out when it has increased the intensity of our sex life? [24:09] Can an addict like me actually come out of this on the other side? [34:10] Am I really the victim? [36:52] How can I build trust after chronic betrayal? [40:26] He acted out in my one deal-breaker way. Now what? [47:30] How do couples recovery from sexual betrayal and compromised health? [50:48] How can I talk to my boys so they don't go down the same path as their father? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "He should be showing you with his actions when his recovery is solid." "He's going to do what he's going to do whether you ask or you don't." "You have to do what you need to do to take care of you regardless of what he does." "Addicts are always either moving forward in recovery or sliding back."
- May 11, 20261h 3m
Navigating Sexual Reintegration
Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about how to reintegrate sex, self-pleasure for partners, the pain of a sexless relationship and the role of "hopium". They offer perspective on demanding repair, seeking connection and the power of taking care of yourself no matter what your partner is or isn't doing. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What can I do to reclaim my sexuality? [11:02] Should I insist on my partner moving out or do an in-house separation? [16:42] When sex addiction isn't the only problem. [19:32] How can I get my intimate needs met? [29:05] Questions you really don't want the answers to. [34:02] How can I build shame resiliency? [39:56] Where do we start with sexual reconnection? [42:51] Moving beyond objectification. [48:03] I feel he broke it, and he needs to fix it. [54:41] The power of community and connection. [58:20] Is masturbation sexual betrayal? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "Your courage and willingness to talk about these issues will get you halfway there." "Do not threaten something that you're not willing to follow through on." "You have zero control over him. The only thing you can take care of is you."
- Apr 2, 20261h 8m
Hoovering and the Narcissistic Cycles of Abuse
Chelsey Brooke Cole and Tami discuss narcissistic personality structure and how to identify if someone is a narcissist. They consider myths of narcissism, the narcissistic cycle and how hoovering shows up, and the look and feel of various narcissistic types. They then answer participant questions about narcissist behavior, options for healing, and a realistic look at a future in a partnership with a narcissist. TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] Hoovering and other narcissistic buzzwords. [3:58] Chelsey's personal experience with narcissism. [5:01] Debunking common myths about narcissism. [9:20] Typical behavoirs of a narcissist. [13:20] The defense mechanisms for the insecure, fragile ego of a narcissist. [19:53] Characteristics of the six types of narcissists. [25:05] Sex addiction and the narcissist. [31:57] The narcissistic cycle of abuse, including hoovering. [37:49] What triggers the Hoover phase? [48:37] What happens if you decide to stay? [49:45] Are there drawbacks to seeking a narcissist diagnosis? [51:27] How can you gray rock a narcissist so they don't get escalation tactics? [53:02] Is it a bad idea to point out narcissistic tendencies in your partner? [54:09] Is narcissism treatable? [56:17] Does my partner's behavior indicate narcissism? [58:10] Do narcissists know what they are doing? [1:00:21] What is the best approach to address the abuse of narcissistic traits used to self-protect and control? [1:02:03] Can a narcissist develop empathy for their partner, and what does treatment involve? [1:04:31] Is narcissism a mental health condition? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "Narcissism is not a diagnosis, it's a personality style and trait." "All narcissists, even the ones who will self-report having high self esteem, are subconsciously insecure pathologically." "Narcissistic abuse is like being in the middle of a tornado but not knowing it's a tornado." "Feeling desperate is not the same as being accountable." "Real accountability ends with you, Hoover statements always end with them."
- Apr 2, 202657 min
Why Is Your Spouse Not Your Priority?
Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about co-regulating, couples healing, betraying partners who continue to minimize and resources to help betrayed partners move forward. They also address maladaptive behaviors and coping mechanisms, the power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness, and the importance of honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [:50] How can I tell if my partner is becoming regulated again? [6:27] Physical signs that your partner is getting upset. [9:20] What is defined as a crisis, and when do you talk about it? [18:20] What is the practical difference between addiction and problematic porn? [21:45] Why is your spouse not your priority? [27:43] The power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness. [31:30] Three follow-up questions about recovery resources. [33:10] Is there any hope for a future that is not dominated by betrayal? [38:10] Honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal. [45:46] How can I get past the egregious images of his betrayal? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "It is the addict's responsibility to set aside their own crisis until the partner feels heard and supported." "The more you grow in your recovery, the more capacity you will have." "How are you supporting yourself?" And if he's not listening to you, do you have people in your life who are?" "Your relationship may never improve, but you don't have to feel damaged." "Even if your partner chooses not to do the work, that does not have to define who you are."
- Feb 19, 202655 min
Demonstrating Emotional Leadership
Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami explore the uncomfortable truths of emotional regulation, the importance of sitting with emotional discomfort, and realistic expectations for betrayal addicts and their partners to see improvements in their relationship. They then answer listener questions about emotional regulation techniques, timeframes, and the motivation behind seeking to be an emotionally regulated partner in a relationship. TAKEAWAYS: [1:33] The hard truth of staying emotionally present. [4:34] Roadblocks to developing emotional leadership. [7:08] What emotional leadership isn't. [10:29] What emotional leadership is. [18:30] Your partner is seeking safety, not explanations. [20:33] Dialogue for emotionally stable conversations. [22:35] The role of healthy conflict in healing. [28:19] "You are asking a lot of the betrayed partner." [33:32] The person in pain and grief never gets to take a timeout from the nightmare. Why should their partner? [35:17] Is this a slip or relapse? [38:36] How can I better manage my emotions in the moment? [40:20] How long should recovery work take? [43:02] How can I correct after I become disregulated? [45:43] How long will it take to feel confident and see results in my relationship? [47:40] My partner ran away, how long should I give him to process? [49:58] Body language recommendations. [53:47] How do I know if emotional regulation techniques are working for me? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "You cannot establish emotional leadership if you can't emotionally regulate yourself." "Emotional leadership is not about winning. It's about the way you handle emotional distress when things become uncomfortable." "Safety, not explanations, is what your partner's nervous system is seeking in order to regulate." "You can be factually correct and absent at the same time." "Demonstrating emotional leadership is not a one-time performance."
- Nov 20, 20251h 0m
Help! I Miss My Betraying Partner
Dr. Skip Speer and Tami answer participant questions about missing a partner who has betrayed you, strategies for opening up in honest and helpful ways, timelines for dedicating time to recovery resources, and appropriate dialogue to have with family and friends during recovery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] What is my role in holding the pain of my betraying partner? [6:50] Seeking Integrity resources that are available to navigate unhealthy relationships. [7:58] What treatment options are available to a narcissistic sex addict betrayer? [13:24] How and when should we approach discussing our situation with family and friends? [17:10] How can I open up as the betrayer and address the tough topics with my partner? [23:37] Do I need to discuss being a 12-Step sponsor with my spouse? [27:20] Is it normal to miss my betraying spouse? [30:51] How can we navigate my partner's addictions with our children? [36:15] Which support groups offer accountability instead of enablement. [43:29] Can betrayed partners have traits of love addiction? [44:31] How can I avoid getting pulled in to my sex addict partner's lies? [50:02] How do I know when it's time to adjust the amount of time we spend on recovery resources? [54:14] How can I possibly initiate sex after the years of my partner's betrayal? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "If a person is willing to engage in therapy and get in and do the work, there is hope." "The more you focus on healing for you, the faster you will heal." "Things may be bad, but they will get so much worse if you keep holding onto it." "No addict changes unless the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same."
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About Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking Integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 30-year licensed therapist, a PhD sexologist, and author of Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. Tami is Chief Relationships Officer for Seeking Integrity LLC. Tami brings over 40 years of personal addiction knowledge, helping supply struggling individuals and couples with the resources and direction they need to heal.
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