Engaging Your Brain in Repair and Recovery

John Taylor and Tami explore the importance of engaging executive functioning in relationship repair and recovery. John offers several questions that partners can ask to jump-start engagement in rebuilding trust. They then answer participant questions about transactional relationships, realistic expectations for change after 25 years of betrayal, and the reality of building a relationship with someone who is selfish.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:10] Why your brain stops working after D-day.  [4:30] Hypervigilance is your brain trying to keep you safe.  [6:45] Questions to ask that engage the frontal lobe.  [7:30] What are we doing here?  [13:58] What are our priorities?  [17:35] What roles and responsibilities do we need to step into?  [21:37] What am I personally doing to align with these priorities?  [25:45] Have I considered my partner in my actions?  [29:44] Effectively reducing tension in a partnership. [33:26] Do you really want it to go back to how it was before?  [34:40] Can we stay together in a low-level transactional companionship?  [38:05] What if we don't have a shared value system?  [41:57] Is it possible for him to be functional when he's never made lasting changes?  [46:38] Is there really no relationship with someone who is selfish?  [54:02] How important are postnuptual agreements?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "Things getting calm doesn't switch how the brain functions."  "'Fair' means the person who has been betrayed gets to take their time to deliberate and think about terms for continuance." "Vengeance is not restitution or repair."  "We have to coax our executive functioning into existence again when it's been compromised."  "We have to believe what people show us more than what they tell us."