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by Dad Starting Over
Welcome to the Dad Starting Over podcast! "Starting Over" means different things to different people. It could be that you're newly divorced and starting over fresh with a new life. It could be that you're still married and wanting to hit the reset button and finally do things right within your marriage. Whatever your story may be, you're in the right place. I'm Ralph, a.k.a DSO, the author of books called "The Dead Bedroom Fix", "Divorce Panic", "Real Talk" and "Red Flags".
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- Today19 min
Sexless Marriage: When She Stops Fighting, She's Already Gone
She told you in year fourteen. She decided in year eight. This is about the six years in between, and why a quiet house is the thing you should have been worried about the whole time.If the bedroom in your marriage went cold a few years back and you stopped bringing it up because it wasn't worth the fight, this one is for you.🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
- 1 weeks ago23 min
Sexless Marriage - The Therapist Told Him His Wife Has "Responsive Desire." That Was 3 Years Ago.
Three years ago a guy's counselor explained that his wife has responsive desire and he has spontaneous desire, and that neither one is wrong. His wife cried. He felt terrible for all the years he'd been taking it personally. So he backed off.They've had sex twice since.Here's the thing. The counselor was probably right. Responsive desire is real science, going back to Rosemary Basson's 2000 model of female sexual response and the dual control model out of the Kinsey Institute. It's helped an enormous number of people and I'm not arguing with it.But it got handed to him backwards.Because when you actually go read the research, the model does not start with desire. It starts with willingness. Basson's circle begins at sexual neutrality and a conscious decision to be open, and desire arrives second, after arousal. Every clinician who teaches this says the same thing: if your desire is responsive, waiting to feel like it before you start is how you never start.Somewhere between the research and his living room, "her desire arrives after things get going" turned into "so stop asking."In this one I go through what the model actually says, the two conditions nobody repeats (the stimulation has to work, and the outcome has to be worth it), where the framework stops applying and the diagnostic manual takes over, and what Emily Nagoski's own 2024 follow-up book found about the couples who keep a sexual connection alive for decades. Spoiler: not one of the three things they have in common is waiting.🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
- 1 weeks ago56 min
Why Your Wife Went Cold: The Safety Men Were Never Taught | Adam Lane Smith
Adam Lane Smith says most wives don't go cold because they stopped caring. He says they go cold because their husbands never learned to give them emotional safety, and most men never got it from their own fathers.Adam is an attachment specialist, a former marriage and family therapist, a father of six, and 18 years married. He sat down with me LIVE and we covered a lot of ground.We talked about the six insecure attachment types and which ones show up in sexless marriages. We talked about how an anxious husband ends up making his wife "the man and the mom at the same time," and why the rooster move ("we WILL be having sex tonight") blows up every time. We talked about why red pill and feminism are two sides of the same victim coin.Then Adam laid out the four levels of safety a man provides: physical, resources, emotional and bonding. Most men are great at the first two and don't know the last two exist. That's when she starts asking for a "unicorn" and he keeps bringing home a goat.We also covered the hard question every guy in a dead bedroom asks: is this marriage worth saving, or is it time to go? Adam's answer is that you can't know until you've done your own work first. Then you watch what she does with your invitation.Quiz: https://adamlanesmith.com/attachment-quiz-organic?utm_source=dso&utm_medium=podcast&utm_content=10%2F28 Coaching: https://adamlanesmith.com/private-coaching?utm_source=dso&utm_medium=podcast&utm_content=10%2F28Discount Code: DSO10Chapters:🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
- 2 weeks ago20 min
Sexless Marriage - The Only Time She Wants Me Is When She Wants a Baby
A guy wrote to me last week with something he says he's never told another human being.Fourteen months without sex. He stopped asking back in February, not as a strategy, just because he got tired of the way she goes still instead of saying no. Then last Tuesday his wife brought up having a third baby.And here's the part he can't say out loud to anybody: when they were trying for their two boys, the bedroom came alive. Both times. Sex all the time, for months. And both times, about three months after the baby came, it went right back off.So he's sitting there knowing exactly how the next two years go if he says yes. And knowing that if he says no, he's the villain who won't have a child with his own wife.His bedroom isn't dead. It's conditional. That's a different problem and almost nobody talks about it.In this one we get into why the switch only flips for a project, what she's actually reaching for when she asks (it's more generous than you think, and it still doesn't work), why saying yes to buy affection is the most expensive covert contract a man can sign, and the exact conversation to have instead. Including the three ways men blow this conversation, one of which you're probably already planning.🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
- 2 weeks ago1h 0m
Sexless Marriage… "I've Told Her It's a Deal Breaker" 100 Times | Marni Kinrys LIVE
Marni Kinrys has spent more than 23 years coaching men from the female perspective. She's The Wing Girl, and she says something most women won't say on camera: a man who can't stand up for himself, has no opinions, and says "yes dear" to everything doesn't make her feel safe. He makes her angry.We got into why so many men were raised to be that guy. Mom, school teachers, the "don't you dare be like your father" speech. Robert Glover and the shame of the thoughts in your own head. The nice guy who went pickup artist and back again. Why "she's a narcissist" is sometimes a pattern you helped build, and the one sentence that stops it: "We don't talk to each other that way."Then the dead bedroom questions from the chat. A guy whose marriage has been sexless from day one. He's told her it's a deal breaker. He's had the talk at least a hundred times. Her mom raised her to believe men only want one thing. What now?Marni's answer is more hopeful than you'd expect. Most of the time, sex in a marriage isn't about sex. It's about resentment and disconnection. And when a man leads her back to feeling feminine, she says, the flame comes back hard. But the talk has to be the healthy version, the actions have to follow it, and if nothing changes after that, you have a decision to make. My take: that's the conversation he should have had 99 conversations ago.Website: https://winggirlmethod.com/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/marniwinggirlInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/winggirlmethod/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@marniwinggirlTwitter/X: https://x.com/winggirlmethod?lang=enYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@marnikinrysLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/marni-kinrys-6237394a🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
- 3 weeks ago25 min
Sexless Marriage: She Was the Sexual One for 20 Years. Then Perimenopause Hit.
A follower — I'll call him Grant — wrote to me three weeks after a coworker handed him her hotel room number on a business trip. He said no. He also told me it took everything he had, and that the number that kept running through his head while he sat on the edge of that hotel bed was eighteen months — as in, eighteen months since his own wife had touched him.Here's the part that makes this different from most dead-bedroom stories: for the first 18 years of their marriage, she was the one who initiated. Constantly. He's not a man who married a low-desire woman and finally noticed. He's a man whose marriage changed underneath him, starting around the time his wife turned 47 — the mood swings, the sudden anger over nothing, and then the wanting just stopping. When he gently brought up hormone therapy, she shut it down cold: "That's not about my health, that's about you wanting me horny again." A few weeks later she told him, flatly, "We're entering a new period of our life. You need to grow up."In this video I read Grant's email word for word, then answer both halves of the question he actually asked me: is what's happening to his wife something happening TO her — a real hormonal shift that isn't her fault — or is "grow up" her way of telling him she's done? And separately: a man with real options, who almost didn't hold the line once — how much longer is he supposed to hold it?I get into the real biology of perimenopause and why the anger and the vanishing libido aren't a character change (UCL's 2024 research found women are about 40% more likely to experience depression during perimenopause, and testosterone — the hormone that drives female desire — declines by roughly half between a woman's 20s and menopause). I get into why so many women are terrified of hormone therapy because of a 20-year-old study that even its own researchers now say was badly misreported. And I get into the harder conversation: how a man protects his marriage AND his own integrity when he's standing closer to temptation than most.🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
- 4 weeks ago17 min
Sexless Marriage? Infidelity? Divorce? - It Wasn't All Your Fault
A follower sent me an email about his divorce. Seventeen years, two kids, final fourteen months ago. He keeps a note on his phone called "What I Did": thirty-one entries, nine years of his own mistakes, and he reads it at night looking for the one that broke his marriage. His question to me: "What else should go on the list? I can take it."In this video I read D's email word for word, and then I answer him — just not the way he wants.Because that list isn't accountability. The self-improvement world taught you to take extreme ownership, and for the guy blaming the economy, his ex, and the dating apps, that message is medicine. But there's a version of "extreme ownership" that looks identical from the outside and is doing something completely different on the inside: assigning yourself fault for things you never controlled, because being guilty feels more powerful than being helpless. Guilty men can earn parole. Helpless men just have to sit with what happened.Psychologists have studied this move for almost fifty years — people blame their own behavior for uncontrollable events because guilt preserves the feeling of control (Janoff-Bulman's research on behavioral self-blame). Guilt has an exit. Randomness doesn't.I break down the fake version of ownership, the codependent engine underneath it ("if I caused it, I can fix it, and if I fix it, the next one will stay"), the three bills this pattern makes you pay, and the distinction that gets you out: fault runs backward, responsibility runs forward. Then I give Dave — and you — the one-page ledger exercise that finally closes the case.🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
- Oct 6, 202654 min
High-Conflict Divorce: How to Stop Feeding the Fire
Stuck in a divorce or custody fight that never seems to end? Brook Olsen has spent 25 years helping parents get out of high-conflict divorces, and his main point is simple: every time you engage, you keep the fight going. Brook is the founder of the High Conflict Diversion Program and host of the High Conflict Co-Parenting Podcast. He went through a high-conflict divorce himself. We talk about: - What makes a divorce "high conflict," and why custody drives most of it- Why gray rocking is only step one, and Brook's 3 stages of disengagement- "Don't just do something, sit there": calming your nervous system before you act- Borderline, narcissism and attachment, and why your ex probably can't change- Whether family court is biased against men, and how to change how the judge sees you- Why the Nice Guy swings to "me, me, me," and how to set boundaries without being aggressive- Why you should wait before dating again (Brook says 24 months)- What a high-conflict divorce really costs, and where to start if you're early in it Brook OlsenWebsite: https://highconflict.netEmail: brook@highconflict.netPodcast: The High Conflict Co-Parenting Podcast🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Instant PDF Download)https://go.helpformen.com/tl/545🔴 FREE COURSE: The Dead Bedroom Fix Coursehttps://deadbedroomfixcourse.com🔴 NEW!: The Dead Bedroom Fix Apphttps://studio.com/ralph/deadbedroomfix?c=gNiRtwcj🔴 TAKE THE QUIZ: What's your REBUILD score?https://helpformen.com/insights/rebuild-score🟢 JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD (Private Community for Men)https://helpformen.com/join
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About Dad Starting Over
Welcome to the Dad Starting Over podcast! "Starting Over" means different things to different people. It could be that you're newly divorced and starting over fresh with a new life. It could be that you're still married and wanting to hit the reset button and finally do things right within your marriage. Whatever your story may be, you're in the right place. I'm Ralph, a.k.a DSO, the author of books called "The Dead Bedroom Fix", "Divorce Panic", "Real Talk" and "Red Flags".
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