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Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse: Daily Summaries Delivered
by Kerry McAvoy, Ph.D.
Confused by your relationship? Do you catch yourself second-guessing, walking on eggshells, or feeling emotionally drained? Whether you’re still in the chaos or trying to rebuild after leaving, this podcast is your lifeline. Join Dr. Kerry McAvoy as she exposes the hidden dynamics of toxic relationships. You’ll learn how destructive personalities operate, the manipulative tactics they use, and the stages of abuse—plus the practical steps to heal and reclaim your life. If you’re ready to break free, rebuild your self-worth, and find lasting emotional freedom, hit play and start your recovery journey today.
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- 2 days ago36 min
Why Narcissists Make YOU the Villain: How They Dump Shame Into You
Walked away feeling like you were the problem? Take the free reflection quiz, Am I Really the Villain? → https://kerrymcavoyphd.com/villain Have you ever walked away from a fight feeling like the villain in a story you didn't write? Apologizing for things you didn't do, carrying shame that didn't start with you? In this episode, Kerry and psychotherapist Lynn Strathdee take on projective identification — the hidden mechanism behind narcissist projection. They explore why narcissists need you to be the villain. How they create a caricature version of you and then dump contempt and shame onto that image. WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the guilt and anxiety that hits when you stop playing the role. Learn why feeling guilty means you're doing something different, not something wrong. Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse LYNN STRATHDEE is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist specializing in echoism and narcissistic abuse recovery, and former educator helping adults reclaim identity after chronic antagonism. WEBSITE: https://echoismrecovery.com/ 00:00 Why narcissists make you the villain 00:29 What is projective identification? 03:32 We never interact with the real person 06:37 Why a worn-down self absorbs their projections 10:17 Why some insults stick and others bounce off 13:06 Healthy projection vs. dumping it on you 15:30 When they blame you for their own distress 16:38 Love bombing is projection too 18:33 Do they know what they're doing? 20:08 The husband who "forgot" 21:33 Why survivors miss deliberate cruelty 24:22 The jar lids story 26:05 The version of you they create 29:10 Lynn's work with abuse survivors 32:38 Coming up in the Podcast Extra #Narcissist #NarcissisticAbuse #ProjectiveIdentification #NarcissistProjection #Gaslighting #EmotionalAbuse #ToxicRelationships #DARVO #TraumaBonding #HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- 4 days ago23 min
They Told You Who They Were on the First Date: The Narcissist Red Flags No One Taught You to Hear
They didn't hide who they were. They told you on the first date—it’s just that nobody ever gave you the dictionary to read it. In this highlight from Kerry's weekly live Q&A, she walks through the language manipulative people use from the very beginning, drawing on Jenny Young's research into how dangerous people reveal themselves in their own words. She shares the first-date moment she now recognizes as the earliest warning sign, and a story she's never told before about the night one sentence ended her relationship: "I can't believe you'd think that of me." In this episode, learn: 1. Why rules and non-negotiables before they even know you signal signs of high level of control 2. How "treat me right and I'll treat you like royalty" turns love into a ledger 3. The test-and-apologize tactic: pushing a boundary, then saying sorry to see how much you'll put up with 4. Why a simple question gets met with sudden hurt, and what that timing tells you 5. Three questions that reveal whether there's any room for you in the relationship 00:00 They aren't hiding who they are, they're managing it 02:12 Disciplinary directive: Jenny Young's #1 red flag 04:59 Conditional decency: kindness you have to earn 06:50 Listen to their metaphors 08:28 Test and apologize 10:57 The absence of you 13:32 3 questions to ask in a new relationship 14:07 Sudden woundedness: "I can't believe you'd think that of me" 16:14 Repair is where relationships deepen 18:01 Charm that arrives on cue 19:46 You thought you were both speaking English #NarcissistRedFlags #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #RedFlagsInRelationships #DatingRedFlags #ManipulationTactics #DARVO #EmotionalAbuse #AbusiveRelationship #TraumaRecovery Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- 6 days ago25 min
Why You Can’t Speak When the Abuse Starts — and 6 Steps to Break the Freeze
You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it? When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening. If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps. https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey Why does your voice disappear the moment you need it most? Freezing isn’t weakness, and it isn’t going along with it. It’s your body making a survival decision faster than your thinking brain can. In this episode, drawn from a recent live stream, Kerry explains what really happens inside the body and brain when you lock up under threat. Learn the six concrete steps to crack a freeze when it’s happening. In this episode, learn: 1. Why your body acts before your brain can think 2. The difference between freezing and full collapse 3. Why you literally can’t speak in the moment, and how fear and shame form a “double lock” on your voice 4. Six steps to break a freeze 00:00 Why your body freezes when you're in danger 00:40 What freezing really feels like 02:02 Your amygdala acts before you can think 03:50 Why some of us freeze instead of fight 06:36 Freeze vs. collapse: a reflex, not a choice 09:27 I froze on my honeymoon 10:33 Why your voice disappears 12:36 Frozen in my marriage 13:47 How to break a freeze, step by step 17:27 The man with the knife 19:36 Can you train yourself out of a freeze? 20:56 The Cornell Seven: why even strong men freeze #FreezeResponse #TraumaResponse #FightFlightFreezeFawn #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #SurvivalMode #FreezingIsNotConsent #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
- 1 weeks ago40 min
The Psychology of Men & Why They Knowingly Put Your Life in Danger and Call It Fun
You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it? When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening. If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps. https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey Has someone you trusted ever put your life at risk, then acted like it was all in good fun? In this episode, Kerry sits down with journalist, and former whitewater raft guide Melanie Hamlett to explore why so many men treat danger as entertainment. Together they unpack how male conditioning strips away empathy and why ego and adrenaline override common sense. They also examine why so many women are taught to trust a confident man over their own intuition, even when lives are on the line. WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Mel get honest about the hardest part of healing: owning the ways we vouched for, protected, and stayed with dangerous people. Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse Melanie Hamlett is a comedian, journalist, and storyteller based in Lyon, France. Her work has appeared in Harper’s Bazaar, The Washington Post, Glamour, Slate, and The Daily Beast. That includes a viral Harper’s Bazaar piece that has been cited in dozens of podcasts, books, and articles. She’s a multiple-time Moth winner. Before moving into writing and comedy, she spent years as a whitewater raft guide, an Outward Bound wilderness instructor, and a ski instructor. That firsthand experience shapes her work on the hidden dangers women face in the outdoors and in relationships. Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MelanieHamlett Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melhamlett/ 00:00 Why river guides flip the raft on purpose 00:36 Meet Melanie Hamlett 04:53 A woman died on my first day as a raft guide 08:58 Don't let a man override your intuition 11:35 My father's dangerous stunts with us kids 14:17 Why do men put women in danger? 18:35 How men are raised to be reckless 22:46 Why women keep taking care of these men 26:09 Why smart women still default to men 28:40 When "toughing it out" nearly kills you 30:40 They call it carnage, like it's fun 36:04 Where to find Melanie 36:48 Coming up in the Podcast Extra Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
- 1 weeks ago31 min
Why Narcissists Need Ongoing Drama: It's All About Keeping You Exhausted & Under Control
Have you noticed how the narcissist’s apology never is an apology? How yesterday's fight get rewritten so you’re the villain? In this episode, Kerry and Lynn Strathdee expose the hidden mechanics behind chronic antagonism. Why some narcissists need ongoing drama to stay in control and to keep you exhausted. The history-rewriting along with the non-stop crisis cycle are to keep you under control so you’re centering your life around them. It's about supply and control. WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get practical. Learn how to spot the pattern vs. a one-off bad day. Discover how to protect your energy and plan an exit. Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you join as a Super Thriver in the Toxic-Free Relationship Club today. Join here — https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLQyhjWUzWrBfoQlC5ZotQ/join LYNN STRATHDEE is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist specializing in echoism and narcissistic abuse recovery, and former educator helping adults reclaim identity after chronic antagonism. WEBSITE: https://echoismrecovery.com/ 00:00 They feed off drama: conflict keeps you in line 00:47 When the fight isn't really about the fight 03:26 Some people feed off conflict 05:11 How the fight-and-make-up cycle builds a trauma bond 08:48 They matter, you don't 09:39 "I felt replaceable" 11:44 Scripted intimacy: the strawberry date 13:47 We walk into relationships hungry 17:22 Why you didn't see it coming 18:37 They want attention, not connection 20:46 When they cast you in a role 25:53 Shadow: why the good stuff is hardest to own 28:11 Preview: rewriting history to dodge the blame #Narcissist #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #Gaslighting #CovertNarcissist #ToxicRelationships #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaBonding #Boundaries #MentalHealth Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
- 1 weeks ago20 min
The Ugly Truth About Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Why Your Kids and Friends Don't Know How to Help You.
You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it? When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening. If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps. https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey Why do the people closest to you seem to pull away right when you need them most? Leaving a toxic relationship doesn’t end the fallout. It changes your relationships with everyone else too. In this episode, Kerry answers two listener questions from recent live streams about what happens after you leave: how to reconnect with adult children who grew up in the chaos, and why friends often struggle to stay close while you heal. In this episode, learn: 1. Why you may still be walking on eggshells around your adult kids, and how to tell real tension from old fear 2. How your silence can read as not caring, and the one honest conversation that can change everything 3. How to apologize for the times trauma kept you from showing up, without needing a certain response back 4. Why “trauma dumping” is actually a normal stage of recovery, and why you may lose friends during it 5. How to handle well-meaning people who say painful things like “at least you knew love” WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the promise that keeps so many people stuck: “I’ll change for you.” Learn why desperate promises to change vanish the moment the relationship feels secure again. Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse 00:00 Why people stop listening to your story 01:03 Walking on eggshells with your adult kids 02:38 The hotel room talk with my son 04:08 When your kids picked up narcissistic fleas 05:51 How to apologize to your kids 09:16 The habits we carry from a toxic relationship 10:02 Trauma dumping is a normal part of recovery 12:37 Why people don't want to hear your story 15:12 I lost friends over my story 16:17 "At least you knew love": what not to say 18:15 Some people can't meet you where you are #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #ToxicRelationship #TraumaBonding #TraumaDumping #AdultChildren #NarcissisticFleas #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth
- 2 weeks ago27 min
What Happens Inside a Narcissist the Moment You Confront Them & Why It Will Never Lead to Change
You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it? When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening. If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps. https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey Have you ever confronted a narcissist about something truly hurtful and watched it vanish in seconds? A flicker of discomfort, then a reset, as if it never happened? In this episode, Kerry and psychotherapist Lynn Strathdee take on the question listeners ask most: can a narcissist change? They explore why owning the problem is the real dividing line, the debate over shame versus humiliation, and what happens inside a disordered personality the moment it’s challenged. WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the promise that keeps so many people stuck: “I’ll change for you.” Learn why desperate promises to change vanish the moment the relationship feels secure again. Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse LYNN STRATHDEE is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist specializing in echoism and narcissistic abuse recovery, and former educator helping adults reclaim identity after chronic antagonism. WEBSITE: https://echoismrecovery.com/ 00:00 What happens inside a narcissist when you confront them 00:39 Can a personality disorder ever change? 02:56 Born with the tools: the wagon story 04:29 Why they won't own the problem 06:18 Do narcissists feel shame or humiliation? 07:43 Not enough of a "me" to change 10:30 Why real growth means sitting with discomfort 13:13 They reset right in front of you 16:56 Two years asking "can he change?" 18:59 How he faked change to keep me calm 22:22 Why victims get duped 24:41 Coming up in the Podcast Extra #Narcissist #NarcissisticAbuse #CanNarcissistsChange #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #CovertNarcissist #Gaslighting #EmotionalAbuse #ToxicRelationships #HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
- 2 weeks ago29 min
Reactive Abuse: 4 Questions That Reveal Who Was Really the Dangerous One in the Room
Reactive abuse isn't a sign you've become the abusive one. It's the predictable end of a setup: months of provocation, timed for the moment you finally break. In this highlight from Kerry's weekly live Q&A, she takes on the night so many survivors never tell anyone about. When you, as the survivor, lost it. She also explains why the better question isn't "What's wrong with me?" but "What was being done to me?" In this episode, learn: • The four questions that reveal who in the room was actually the dangerous one • Why they bait you into reacting, then use it to tell everyone how unstable you are • How exhaustion, deprivation and constant provocation wear down anyone's self-control • Gray rock vs. yellow rock, and why snark is still engagement • "Is this an old feeling or a new feeling?" — the question that steadies you in the moment 00:00 The night you don't tell anyone about 01:59 Screaming in the shower 04:02 What the teacher never saw 05:58 Question 1: Whose arousal went up? 09:57 Question 2: Did your distress slow them down or speed them up? 12:41 Question 3: Was there repair afterward? 14:29 Why you finally broke 19:10 Question 4: Who ended up apologizing? 20:14 Gray rock vs. yellow rock: stop feeding the provocation 24:06 Is this an old feeling or a new feeling? #ReactiveAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #GrayRockMethod #YellowRock #SmearCampaign #EmotionalAbuse #AbusiveRelationship #TraumaRecovery #HealingJourney Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
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About Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse
Confused by your relationship? Do you catch yourself second-guessing, walking on eggshells, or feeling emotionally drained? Whether you’re still in the chaos or trying to rebuild after leaving, this podcast is your lifeline. Join Dr. Kerry McAvoy as she exposes the hidden dynamics of toxic relationships. You’ll learn how destructive personalities operate, the manipulative tactics they use, and the stages of abuse—plus the practical steps to heal and reclaim your life. If you’re ready to break free, rebuild your self-worth, and find lasting emotional freedom, hit play and start your recovery journey today.
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