I've Been Trying to Make You Love Me, but Everything I Try Drives You Further From Me

What happens when every attempt to save the relationship seems to make it worse?You try harder.You become more attentive.You give more.You communicate more.You try to look better.You become more patient.You become more useful.You study what changed.You study what they need.You study yourself.And somehow, instead of bringing them closer, everything you do seems to push them further away.In Episode 387 of You’re Probably Right, MCM talks about the exhausting experience of trying to convince somebody to keep loving you after something in the relationship has changed.At the beginning, you were just yourself.You were not auditioning.You were not studying their reply times, facial expressions, tone, clothing preferences, attention, or affection.You were simply there.And somehow, being yourself worked.They wanted you.Then something changed.The messages slowed down.The affection changed.The plans became less frequent.The conversations got shorter.Suddenly you are standing on emotional ice trying desperately not to fall.And that is where the performance begins.Maybe if I give more.Maybe if I pull away.Maybe if I explain myself better.Maybe if I lose weight.Maybe if I get stronger.Maybe if I dress differently.Maybe if I make more money.Maybe if I become less emotional.Maybe if I stop asking questions.Maybe if I become exactly the person they want.MCM compares this experience to standing outside a door that was once open and suddenly finding it locked.Instead of asking why you are standing outside a door you used to walk through freely, you start trying combinations.And after enough combinations, love begins to look less like love and more like problem solving.This episode explores overgiving, rejection, self improvement, emotional depletion, generosity, jealousy, competition, silence, validation, grief, loss, aging, physical appearance, money, creative disappointment, and the dangerous habit of rebuilding yourself according to somebody else’s preferences.It also looks at what happens when there is a third person.Someone younger.Fitter.Richer.More attractive.More confident.More detached.Suddenly the question stops being, “Is this relationship good for me?”Now the question becomes, “How do I beat them?”And another human being becomes your scoreboard.That is where rejection can turn into a self audit.What is wrong with me?Was I too nice?Too available?Too emotional?Too generous?Not mysterious enough?Not attractive enough?Not successful enough?Eventually you are no longer improving because you want a better life.You are rebuilding yourself as an argument against somebody who rejected you.MCM does not argue against self improvement.Lose the weight if you want to.Get stronger.Improve your health.Make more money.Look for the better job.Dress better.Build something.Create more options.But eventually the reason has to become yours.Because if you transform your whole life but still keep checking to see whether one person noticed, you are still standing outside the same locked door.Episode 387You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: yprpodcast@gmail.comListen on Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Listen on Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X