Hard Won Happiness

Welcome to The Nuance Diaries! Unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat. Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours.If you’re new here, maybe check this out? If you’re an old timer, maybe this is the week you upgrade your subscription? Okay, let’s dive in!I’ve been pretty happy this summer. How the hell did that happen? I recently reminisced with my therapist about a magazine cover I must have seen a decade ago or more, talking about an actress and her ‘hard won happiness.’ I loved this phrase so much that I included it in the introduction of my book. That phrase always stuck with me. At the time, I probably didn’t have the self-awareness to admit I was far from truly happy. I did know that I liked the idea of describing happiness as “hard-won.” Those two words made me feel instantly seen and validated, as someone who used to secretly roll her eyes when people talked about waking up happy in the morning, with an easy-breezy cover girl feeling that I was convinced only exists in fairy tales.Ah, if only I had discovered my friends Lexapro and Wellbutrin sooner. Even with my cocktail of antidepressants, I’d still describe my happiness as hard-won. I don’t think I’ll ever see happiness as a default state or a choice you can authentically make. I also don’t think it’s the only emotion worth striving for. It’s just one of many emotions. I think happiness and joy are related yet entirely different.I’ve had moments of joy in dark seasons, and held deep pain during what should have been some of the happiest moments of my life. I’ve been miserable in some beautiful places. I’ve been happy under circumstances that a lot of people wouldn’t be.Some of the most painful seasons of my life have been followed by joy I never thought I’d find. I know I was only able to feel that wild joy because I allowed myself to surrender to the pain. Because if we numb the pain, we numb the joy too. Sometimes numbing the pain actually feels disrespectful to the joy. During the penultimate episode of This Is Us, the beloved character, William (played by the late Ron Cephas Jones), remarks, The way I see it, if something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening.That quote reminds me of the idea that grief is love with nowhere to go.By that logic, the absence of grief equates to the absence of love. I’ve come to feel grateful for my grief — because it reminds me of the enormity of my love. To be clear, I’m not grateful for all of my sadness in the same way.I’m not grateful that my mind sometimes tries to convince me that I shouldn’t be alive. I’m not grateful that I have CPTSD. I am certainly not grateful to have been abused in ways I’m not ready to talk about pubicly yet. My outright rage about the things that have happened to me and how they have rewired my brain chemistry is completely justifiable. But I’m certainly grateful that I now allow myself to feel that rage, instead of papering over it with toxic positivity. I’m grateful that I’ve started to admire my own resilience, instead of resenting how strong I’ve had to be. The other day in therapy, I called myself an emotional superhero.I am grateful to call my happiness hard-won, because I fought tooth and nail for it. And when I lose it, or get very, very far away from it, I’m grateful to have the tools to eventually orient myself back in its direction.As I write this, the sky is blue. There is food in my refrigerator. I’m going to get a facial later. And then I get to see my cousin, who I would do just about anything in this world for (except watch horror movies.)There is a huge amount of uncertainty in my life. Injustice that I’ll never be able to wrap my head around. A million things I want to do. People I’ve yet to meet. People I’d give anything to see one more time.But right now, the sky is blue. There’s a breeze in the air. I’m hopeful for what the next moment will bring. And praying that the hard-won happiness will stay a while longer. I’d also be absolutely remiss if I didn’t express my deep condolences to Dolly Parton’s family. While I wrote this a few weeks ago, I am publishing it the day after Dolly’s passing was announced. I am gutted that she is gone, and deeply grateful for all of the gifts she left us. Hope she’s kicked