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by Alexa Juanita Jordan
What sensitive, deeply feeling people are thinking but don’t say. AKA the stuff you usually save for the group chat. Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours. thenuancediaries.substack.com
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- Yesterday5 min
I'd Like To Be Happy
Welcome back to The Nuance Diaries!Unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat.This is where I share my unfiltered take on my life and the world around me. Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours.TW: direct reference to self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide. Take care of yourself if you know that those topics will be triggering for you, and scroll to the bottom for some lighter recent pieces.It doesn’t get any easier. to be vulnerable about this kind of pain.It doesn’t get any easier to deal with this kind of pain. This excruciating business of being alive.And yet, what I want most in this world is to help people feel less alone.I sometimes forget that the first step to doing that is often admitting when I myself need help to feel less alone.And more often than not, the act of helping others feel less alone is a bid for connection.God knows we could all use more real, true connection.*PS The title of this post is not the finalized title of this song, it’s just what I chose in this moment! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thenuancediaries.substack.com/subscribe
- 5 days ago18 min
Summer should be FUN
Welcome to The Nuance Diaries! Unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat.If this is your first time here, I’m Alexa. Writer, Coach, Human, Native New Yorker, Gilmore Girls Aficionado.My magic is creating something out of nothng — wildly compelling stories out of thin air. I love helping people take center stage and remember that they are the main characters of their own lives. I also love being super unfiltered in writing about my life and the world around me, which is what I do here!Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours.If you haven't already, you can go subscribe HERE :) Ah September. Wake me up when it ends.‘Tis the season for witches, Stars Hollow, apple orchards, Trader Joe’s pumpkin ice cream, butternut squash mac and cheese, and tortilla chips in the shape of leaves.It’s time to trade our sandals for boots (I need a new pair of black leather ones), start planning a Halloween costume for a friend’s party that you’ll probably bail on to order takeout and watch spooky Disney movies.But before we pretend not to be devastated by Daylight Savings and start thawing Mariah Carey,We have to circle back, double-click, and close the loop on summer ‘26.5 Things I Couldn’t Stop Talking About4 Girlboss Moments3 Things I Couldn’t Live Without2 Wholesome Moments1 Thing I’m Proud of (TW here)If you’re not already, I hope you’ll subscribe to The Nuance Diaries to hear what I like to call unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat. Lots of fun stuff coming up in the weeks ahead — including my next attempt at a more consistent publishing schedule!Talk soon,xo Alexa. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thenuancediaries.substack.com/subscribe
- 1 weeks ago17 min
5 Life Lessons From Practical Magic 2
Welcome to The Nuance Diaries! Unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat.If this is your first time here, I’m Alexa. Writer, Coach, Human, Native New Yorker, Gilmore Girls Aficionado.My magic is creating something out of nothng — wildly compelling stories out of thin air. I love helping people take center stage and remember that they are the main characters of their own lives. I also love being super unfiltered in writing about my life and the world around me, which is what I do here!Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours :)If you haven't already, go subscribe here! While you're there, you can always read/listen on Substack if you prefer :)SPOILERS AHEAD. SPOILERS AHEAD. SO MANY SPOILERS. THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. DID YOU READ THIS? HAVE YOU SEEN PRACTICAL MAGIC 2? DO YOU CARE ABOUT SPOILERS? YOU SHOULD!1. You can’t ignore the pastThe more you struggle, the more hold the spell has on you. - Nicole Kidman as Gilly.2. It’s dangerous to hide your magic.“We are never doing anyone any favors by withholding our gifts from the world. It’s scary to be fierce, but you can’t compromise that for fear of losing those around you.” - Idina Menzel*Idina is definitely talking about losing people, as in losing relationships, but this quote is really fitting because in the context of Practical Magic, the Owens sisters do fear literally losing people because of their gifts/magic.Sally has had a complicated relationship with her magic since the first movie and book.She fears it and hides it. She finds it and doubts it.In Practical Magic 2, she is taught a hard lesson about her magic at an incredibly inconvenient time: the more you doubt yourself, the less power you have.Since we last saw Sally, she has pushed her magic down so far that she can’t find it when she needs it most.She can’t sense her daughter, Kylie, when she runs off with the book of the raven. She has to rely on a credit card transaction to pin Kylie down, after many, many missed calls.Once Sally is in London, closer to Kylie, she does find her magic again. But she has a lot of trouble wielding it.She can’t (fully) help Jilly reverse the paralysis spell on Ian Wright. Instead, she looked on, terrified.Enter doubt.For almost the entire movie, we watch Sally run around in such a frenzy, desperate to find her daughter. But really, she’s on a journey to find herself again and own her magic.And the second she does that, about 3/4 in? Everything comes naturally again.She breaks down doors and deals with a man practicing dark magic with the skills of a practiced hostage negotiator. She’s ready to lay down her life for her daughter, but thankfully doesn’t have to. She is powerful, courageous, and strong as hell. Not because she suddenly became powerful, but because she remembered that she always was.You always had the power, my dear; you just had to see it for yourself. - Glinda the Good, Wizard of OzThe consequences of denying our own magic might not be quite as dire as they are for Sally, but they are still dangerous and dire nonetheless.Like Sally, we too build up walls and rack up long lists of worthwhile reasons why we must keep our lives small and safe. And maybe those reasons are valid.But at the end of the day, there is no good excuse to abandon your magic forever.You might not be the descendant of an English witch (by way of Boston), but you do have your own special magic that makes you you.Maybe it’s your art. Or your empathy. Or your strength. We all have something that makes us powerful and special.If you’re reading this thinking — no, I don’t. I’m just normal old [insert name here]It sounds like it might be time for you to go on a quest of your own to rediscover that magic of yours.It’s out there. Trust me. And I’m biased, but I think it’s worth the journey.3. Grief comes for us all, and we all grieve differently.Nobody escapes a love story without death. - Sally Owens4. Give grace to the ones you love. Even when they make it exceptionally hard.Even though you hate me right now, I’ve got you. I’ve always got you. - Nicole Kidman as Gilly5. Live a little. Live a lotHave some internal AND external ‘POW’, as Kylie and Antonia say.++ AND Bonuses!!We would also all be better off in a matriarchy. No explanation needed. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thenuancediaries.substack.com/subsc
- 3 weeks ago6 min
Hard Won Happiness
Welcome to The Nuance Diaries! Unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat. Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours.If you’re new here, maybe check this out? If you’re an old timer, maybe this is the week you upgrade your subscription? Okay, let’s dive in!I’ve been pretty happy this summer. How the hell did that happen? I recently reminisced with my therapist about a magazine cover I must have seen a decade ago or more, talking about an actress and her ‘hard won happiness.’ I loved this phrase so much that I included it in the introduction of my book. That phrase always stuck with me. At the time, I probably didn’t have the self-awareness to admit I was far from truly happy. I did know that I liked the idea of describing happiness as “hard-won.” Those two words made me feel instantly seen and validated, as someone who used to secretly roll her eyes when people talked about waking up happy in the morning, with an easy-breezy cover girl feeling that I was convinced only exists in fairy tales.Ah, if only I had discovered my friends Lexapro and Wellbutrin sooner. Even with my cocktail of antidepressants, I’d still describe my happiness as hard-won. I don’t think I’ll ever see happiness as a default state or a choice you can authentically make. I also don’t think it’s the only emotion worth striving for. It’s just one of many emotions. I think happiness and joy are related yet entirely different.I’ve had moments of joy in dark seasons, and held deep pain during what should have been some of the happiest moments of my life. I’ve been miserable in some beautiful places. I’ve been happy under circumstances that a lot of people wouldn’t be.Some of the most painful seasons of my life have been followed by joy I never thought I’d find. I know I was only able to feel that wild joy because I allowed myself to surrender to the pain. Because if we numb the pain, we numb the joy too. Sometimes numbing the pain actually feels disrespectful to the joy. During the penultimate episode of This Is Us, the beloved character, William (played by the late Ron Cephas Jones), remarks, The way I see it, if something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening.That quote reminds me of the idea that grief is love with nowhere to go.By that logic, the absence of grief equates to the absence of love. I’ve come to feel grateful for my grief — because it reminds me of the enormity of my love. To be clear, I’m not grateful for all of my sadness in the same way.I’m not grateful that my mind sometimes tries to convince me that I shouldn’t be alive. I’m not grateful that I have CPTSD. I am certainly not grateful to have been abused in ways I’m not ready to talk about pubicly yet. My outright rage about the things that have happened to me and how they have rewired my brain chemistry is completely justifiable. But I’m certainly grateful that I now allow myself to feel that rage, instead of papering over it with toxic positivity. I’m grateful that I’ve started to admire my own resilience, instead of resenting how strong I’ve had to be. The other day in therapy, I called myself an emotional superhero.I am grateful to call my happiness hard-won, because I fought tooth and nail for it. And when I lose it, or get very, very far away from it, I’m grateful to have the tools to eventually orient myself back in its direction.As I write this, the sky is blue. There is food in my refrigerator. I’m going to get a facial later. And then I get to see my cousin, who I would do just about anything in this world for (except watch horror movies.)There is a huge amount of uncertainty in my life. Injustice that I’ll never be able to wrap my head around. A million things I want to do. People I’ve yet to meet. People I’d give anything to see one more time.But right now, the sky is blue. There’s a breeze in the air. I’m hopeful for what the next moment will bring. And praying that the hard-won happiness will stay a while longer. I’d also be absolutely remiss if I didn’t express my deep condolences to Dolly Parton’s family. While I wrote this a few weeks ago, I am publishing it the day after Dolly’s passing was announced. I am gutted that she is gone, and deeply grateful for all of the gifts she left us. Hope she’s kicked
- Jul 29, 202629 min
How to Make Your Own Luck on the 'Luckiest Day of The Year'
Welcome to The Nuance Diaries! Unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat. Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours.For those who don’t know me yet — hi! I’m so glad you’re here. I’m a storyteller and alchemist. My magic is making something out of nothing as a coach, writer, actor, and multimedia creator. I am a native New Yorker, born and raised, a Gilmore Girls enthusiast, and a lover of all things pink. More here.Today, July 29th, is thought to be the luckiest day of 2026 because of the Jupiter Cazimi in Leo. (If you’re not into astrology, don’t run! I’m not going super in-depth on this — just giving a little context.)The gist of it is that the cazimi is the exact alignment of the Sun and Jupiter in Leo. This alignment is also coinciding with a full moon in Aquarius. You can learn more about why cazimis are such a big deal here. And also check out Chani’s podcast this week for more on the astrology of this current moment!All that matters for our purpose is that July 29th is a lucky day.I don’t believe in people just waking up and getting what they want because they’re luckier than the rest of us. I think it’s something that we all can do, even if we’re not Lindsay Lohan in that 2000s movie, Just My Luck.I was really inspired by what the Knicks’ Coach Mike Brown said to the team during that fateful halftime in Game 4 when they were down 29 points.He told them to go make their own luck.It’s what you have to do when the cards are down. If you want it bad enough, you have to go make your own luck.And so, here are 6 things I’m doing to make my own luck today— and all year round, as much as I can help it! I hope you’ll join me, reflect on your own life, and take what you can from this framework.* Step Being So Realistic* Act Like The Main Character Of Your Story* Expect Good Things To Happen* Never Underestimate the Power of a Good Reframe* Talk to Yourself Like a Toddler Who Is Doing Something For the First Time* Look How Far You’ve Come+ a bonus! WAYS TO STAY CONNECTEDBook a free center stage sessionwhere I’ll walk you through a game of make-believe, adult make-believe, that will reveal your vision for your life and what’s standing in your way.Subscribe!Consider becoming a paid subscriber for just $7/month. That’s less than a quarter a day!I’m calling in more paid subscribers on this lucky day, and for the entire Lion Gate’s portal. (Another astrology thing!)Buy my book, Start of It All.Alexa Jordan is a storyteller and alchemist. She’s a coach, writer, actor, and multimedia creator (and she’s also going to stop talking about herself in the third person!)My magic is making something out of nothing, wildly compelling stories out of thin air. I love helping people who don’t feel like the main character of their lives, the center stage, and the stories they actually want to tell. I coach one-on-one clients and facilitate custom workshops (if you’re in OGC — check out the calendar for the one coming up 8/27!)I’m the author of The Start of It All, a 20-something’s guide, and a contributor to the Best Women’s Monologues of 2022. And I write weekly here on Substack in The Nuance Diaries, where I am a 5 rising bestseller.I’m the author of The Start of It All: A 20-Something’s Guide, a contributor to The Best Women’s Stage Monologues of 2022, and I write weekly on Substack inside my blog The Nuance Diaries (5x Rising Bestseller). I have a B.A. in Drama from Vassar College and a Classical Acting Diploma from The London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts. I received a New York Times feature for my performance in “There’s Blood at the Wedding” at the globally acclaimed La Mama Experimental Theater Club. I now sit on the board of CultureHub (a global art and tech community founded by La Mama and Seoul Arts), where I was the associate producer of ‘Turning Your Body Into a Compass.’I first fell in love with storytelling inside of theaters. Stories are how I make sense of the world around me and help people reclaim their narratives. Whether I’m on Zoom, with people across time zones, or on a campus with 75 sophomores at Vassar College, or in a black box theater with like 20 people. I know firsthand that a powerful story can change your life. This is a public episode. If you'd
- Jul 3, 20263 min
How to Rewrite Your Story in Q3
Hi! I’m Alexa. Storyteller and Alchemist.I’m a coach, writer, and multimedia creator.My magic is making something out of nothing — wildly compelling stories out of thin air. I love helping people figure out who they truly are and what they actually want, so that they can take center stage in their own lives. I coach 1:1 clients and facilitate custom workshops. I’m the author of The Start of It All: A 20-Something’s Guide, a contributor to The Best Women’s Stage Monologues of 2022, and writes weekly here on Substack inside The Nuance Diaries.Here you will find unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat. My hope is to turn my vulnerability into a permission slip for yours.Usually, I share a personal essay or song. But today, I have an invitation ✨I like to think of Q3 and Q4 as the second half of your 2026 story.Whether you’re aware of it or not, your brain has subconsciously written a rough draft of how the rest of the year will go.Our brains love patterns; it’s easy to slip into the mindset that the first half of your story will predict the second.But what if that’s not true?Spoiler Alert: it’s notWhat if you have the power to rewrite your story, take center stage, and reclaim the rest of your year?Spoiler Alert - you doWhat if one hour is all it takes to rewrite your story?It is. And we’re going to do just that.On July 9th from 12:00 - 1:00 PM , we’ll...⏳ REFLECT on the first half of the year🧘♀️ RESET your mindset and energy✏️ REWRITE your storyYou’ll leave with the tools you need to take on the rest of the year with renewed confidence, conviction, calm, and clarity.What happened before this does not define what happens next.You are the one holding the pen. By the end of this hour together, you’ll have taken it back.July 9th. 12:00 - 1:00 PM EST. Zoom. Free.See you soon!If you can’t make it live, you’ll be sent the recording if you’re registered by the time of the event :)RSVP HEREPS Have you watched my guest appearance on my friend Liz Batsche - Your Host with 💗’s show Well Hosted with Liz? Get into it! We had so much fun making it, and it is genuinely so good. (Not just saying that because I’m a guest!) So proud of you, Liz. Thanks again for having me, not just as a guest but as a friend :)WATCH WELL HOSTED HERE This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thenuancediaries.substack.com/subscribe
- Jun 28, 202618 min
How to Come Out After Your Therapist Decides That You're Not Gay
READ/LISTEN ON SUBSTACK (and subscribe while you're there!) "I bet your feelings for her will go away as soon as the play ends.You’re probably not actually gay."The first time I wondered if I might like women, I was playing Hermia opposite a girl playing Lysander (traditionally played by a man) in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.For the first time in my 21 years, I was questioning my heterosexuality.The circumstances are both poetic yet unremarkable, having my first crush on a girl playing my love interest in the theater department at a liberal arts school. Up until then, I had always been a fierce LGBTQ+ ally, but had never once considered that I might be a part of the community myself.I grew up at the intersection of conservatism and liberalism; a Native New Yorker raised in a religious household on 20th and 1st. I started attending Sunday School as a toddler, and was teaching it myself before I entered middle school.And yet, my family thankfully does not share the same conservative beliefs that so many churches do.I first learned about same-sex couples as a toddler while driving around downtown with my mom. While waiting in traffic, we intercepted the Pride parade.I asked my mom why two men were kissing. She said something along the lines of “people kiss when they’re in love.”Until then, it hadn’t registered to me that Barbie could love Barbie, and Ken could love Ken. It immediately made sense. It wasn’t a big event. Just a fact. And it still is. Love is love. Ironically, I don’t remember much about my first impression of the girl playing Lysander.I do remember thinking that she was funny in an irreverent way. A little elusive. Definitely disarming. There was something unique about her. I wanted her to like me, and it went beyond wanting to work well together. I also didn’t want her to think I was trying too hard, because I wanted to seem cool.I don’t remember the exact moment that I fell for her, but it truly felt like it happened overnight. At first, I told myself that my fascination was purely about taking my acting role seriously. I had never played opposite a woman and wanted to ensure that we developed a believable connection. The more we got along offstage, the better.Yet even now, years and years later, I can remember the electric, thrilling feeling of running into her on campus, or walking into the room and meeting her gaze at a rehearsal. I was so bewildered by my feelings, even though I couldn’t have been in a more supportive environment. I had no idea what her sexual orientation was, or if she would ever be interested in me.I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with myself. I once ran on the treadmill for miles without stopping to release some of my pent-up emotions. I couldn’t just show up to rehearsal and blurt out,“Hey, I’ve never had a crush on a girl before, but I have these feelings toward you that I can’t describe, and I have no idea if I want to pursue them, and no idea what your sexual orientation is, but just thought you should know!”So, I ran. From her and my feelings. Even when she appeared next to me on the adjacent treadmill by total coincidence (true story), I kept on running.(Very unlikely for me. I only run when I’m late. Back in freshman year, it took me until December to realize I hadn’t packed sneakers. That’s how much I don’t care about the gym.Eventually, I told one of my best friends and housemates about the crush. She was supportive, but not shocked. It was an anticlimactic conversation.You have to understand that we went to Vassar. Coming out was a non-event. The percentage of people who come to Vassar thinking they’re straight and leave queer is astronomical.And so, that’s the attitude I went into my therapy session with when I told my (former) therapist the news. “By the way, I think I might be gay. How’s the weather?”Alexa, I bet your feelings for her will go away as soon as the play ends. You’re probably not actually gay.And just like that, I wasn’t queer. Because my therapist said so.If my therapist of 5+ years didn’t think I was gay, I couldn’t be gay, right?Part of me was shocked. But I didn’t question her at all.I immediately agreed with her, and I thanked her for helping me “come to my senses.” Imagine thanking someone for telling you you’re not gay.I let myself continue to indulge in my feelings for the girl playing Lysander until the show ended, and then we went our separate ways. My feelings “faded” just as my therapist said they would.Until five years later.I’m 26. I am still c
- Jun 21, 20266 min
I know I’m working hard and sometimes I can see it
SUBSCRIBERead The Start Of It AllRead '5 Life Lessons From The Devil Wears Prada 2' Book a Coaching Session with Me! Welcome back to The Nuance Diaries!I’ve been playing around with how I describe what I write about here, and recently landed on this:“Unfiltered alchemy from your most unhinged group chat. Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours.”I kind of love it. Thoughts?I wrote this song around 3 years ago now. It was inspired by a conversation with one of my best friends last weekend. A specific sentence that she said inspired the whole thing, and that specific sentence is in the song - verbatim. I’ll let you guess what it is (or you can just listen to the voiceover where I’ll tell you!)Highly recommend listening to this one if you’re usually a reader. Highly recommend listening to The Nuance Diaries in general, honestly. It’s not a robot voice - I read them!Can’t see where my life is headin’But I can see the bottom of my sinkAnd that might not mean much to youBut Lord it means everything to meAnd I cannot rememberThe last day that I went without a drinkBut today I did my dishesAnd that’s gonna have to be enough for meI think myself in circlesAs I sit here sprawled on the couchI have all these great ambitionsSometimes I even write a few downAnd I cannot rememberThe last time that I believed in meBut today I did my dishesAnd that’s gonna have to be enough for meI know I’m working hardAnd sometimes I can see itThey say I’m doing fineMaybe one day I’ll believe itThis is a great big worldAnd I am just one girlI wanna do everythingAnd nothing at allI’m gonna try to work onNot feeling so smallI’m gonna try to work onThinking I can have it at allBut for now I’ll clean my closetDo my dishesSing this songCan’t see where my life is headin’But I can see the bottom of my sinkThat might not mean much to youBut Lord it means everything to me This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thenuancediaries.substack.com/subscribe
About The Nuance Diaries
What sensitive, deeply feeling people are thinking but don’t say. AKA the stuff you usually save for the group chat. Consider my vulnerability a permission slip for yours. thenuancediaries.substack.com
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