I’m Grieving the Home I Chose to Leave 🏡

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit moonshotmentor.substack.comI’m in a contorted cat-cow pose holding a toothbrush with my right hand, leaning heavily on my left to take the pressure off my legs, wondering if this is a good choice at this moment in time. The white tile I’m scrubbing is pretty, but man, it is unforgiving on my bones, especially my knees, which are already showing signs of bruising.When I was in high school, I cleaned houses for a summer to make extra cash. Hated it. I do love cleanliness and organization, but don’t love wearing plastic gloves, chipping away at other people’s … stuff.But here I am saying goodbye to 28 years in this home. Getting it ready for our first open house. Will anyone walking through know that we raised our two daughters here? That I spent most of my Hollywood career celebrating and retreating to this oasis during the inevitable turbulent highs and lows?The last several months have been a fugue state. Shadows, echoes, the smell of roasting chicken, far-off laughter haunt and delight me. Why do these particular memories bubble? I do not know.Prepping the house to sell, purging what I thought were treasures, and now I can’t remember why I kept the stuff in the first place: a Russian urn, a tattered white t-shirt, and oh my goodness, so many books. I’ve forced myself to give them away and radically accept that I will not be reading them a second time.After I clean the bathroom, I tackle the window sills. Then the oven. Then a super deep clean of the fridge. I check every nook for cobwebs and wash the kitchen windows a fourth time because I just can’t get those streaks out.I’m saying goodbye.Cleaning my house with a forensic eye for detail is part of my mourning. It reminds me of how, after death, a body is cleaned in many cultures: Muslims practice ghusl, the Jewish tradition of taharah, or the Ancient Egyptians. It’s bringing devotion and sacredness to what might be considered an everyday act.In each room, in every corner, I whisper, “Thank you.”Memories drop in and out, not fully formed, more like pieces of potato chips at the bottom of the Ruffles bag. Wearing onesies on Christmas Day. Rocco running through the living room at full speed. Chuck melting the toaster in the oven (don’t ask). Pizza parties. Pool bar-b-ques. Sunrise walks. The day Roo arrived during lockdown.Mourning is the visible, outward expression of loss. Grieving is the internal response to losing something that we are attached to. Mourning takes many forms. It can be a funeral or a memorial service or planting a tree. Or it can be cleaning the grout in the bathtub.When my mom died, we knew what to do. There are rituals. But there are so many other endings we’re expected to glide through because they’re just a normal part of life — even endings that we have control over.Despite selling our home being my choice (and my husband’s), I still grieve. I was attached to the safety and security of having a house to live in and build a family. I was attached to the serenity and beauty of having a home in the Laurel Canyon wildlife corridor. I was attached to the privacy of living at the end of a long single-lane road.I’m grateful that I can have a good goodbye: one that I get to have agency around and make choices about what that goodbye will look like even if it’s me on my hands and knees scrubbing every inch of the house that has taken care of me for the last 28 years.Maybe someday, I’ll take a drive into Laurel Canyon, and I’ll think, “There was a woman who lived in a house at the end of Crescent Drive. She had a pretty good run.”If you want to dig a bit deeper, check out some previous posts regarding “letting go.”Thanks for being here. I’d love to hear what you think of today’s post, so if you have a question or comment, please share it below.If you’re grieving a loss and could use some support, Solid Ground is my paid Substack subscriber community. It’s a place to make sense of what you’re experiencing, find ways to mourn, and be met with compassion and encouragement.For paid subscribers, I’ve included five journal prompts below to help you dig a little deeper.See you next week!