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Heretic Hereafter Podcast: Daily Summaries Delivered
by Katharine Strange
Heretic Hereafter is about figuring out how to live the good life after leaving Evangelical Christianity. Whether you're religious or not, join us for a weekly dose of humor and reflection that helps us look past the superficial for life's deeper meanings.
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- Yesterday8 min
The Hardest Goodbye
This summer, we’ve been looking at commitment and what it takes to make communities and relationships work. Sticking it out has its place, certainly, but what about its opposite, calling it quits? Is there ever a time when we are justified in stepping away from relationships, even one as sacred as that between a parent and child?Content Warning: suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please call or text 988 for help.During the summer of 2020, I debated going no-contact with my mother. While my social media feed lit up with photos of people retreating to childhood homes, praises for grandparents as backup daycare, and even intergenerational TikToks, I was staring at the bland cover of a self-help book that detailed the process of cutting off a loved one. I couldn’t even decide whether to read it.The library had been closed for months, so this book sat in a stack next to my desk, calling to me like the tell-tale heart each time I sat down to write. What was I going to do?Part of me was stuck in disbelief that things had gotten this bad. As a child, I’d idolized my mother. I remember going to JoAnne’s to pick out fabric for matching dresses, watching her lay out the pattern pieces on the fabric: her larger pieces in the center, my smaller ones filling in the gaps. I would ask her endless questions about her life before me, making note of how I ought to be in the world. My baby book catalogues my aspirations at various ages: ballerina, teacher, nurse, mommy—all her ambitions became my own.I loved her biting sense of humor and her creativity. Her smile, when she turned it my way, felt like stepping out of a cold shadow into sunlight. And if she often kept me at a distance, shooing me towards the TV whenever I broached the kitchen where she spent most of the day cleaning, cooking, and drinking white wine, well, I aspired to be less annoying, more useful.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.We had our ups and downs. When I left home for college, she sank into a depression so deep I felt it even 500 miles away. She joked about how I “abandoned” her. When we’d lived together, I’d been adept at gauging her mood and avoiding her triggers, but on the phone it was difficult to take her emotional temperature and figure out the right thing to say. In the summer of 2020, our conversations felt like stepping on landmines. I wrestled with duty—what did I owe the woman who gave me life, who raised, fed, and clothed me? Who, as she often reminded me, “only lived” to be a grandma to my kids, then 8 and 5. I never doubted that she loved us. But I also could no longer ignore her increasingly erratic behavior. On our weekly Skype calls she was usually drunk and moody. One night, she accused me of not being grateful for the matching sweaters she’d recently sent my kids. I objected that I had thanked her on a previous call and promised to send a photo of the kids wearing them when the weather was…you know…more sweater appropriate? My explanation only enraged her further: she accused me of secretly hating the sweaters and her, before enlisting the help of family members to harangue me for my ingratitude. By now this was a familiar pattern. After many years of therapy, I’d begun to wonder about my mother’s drinking and the way my family readily accepted her version of events. As I’d worked towards having healthier communication in my own relationships, the difference between my household and my parents’ was thrown into stark relief. This new self-knowledge also made me question the past: had I always wanted to be just like Mom, or had that been my only safe option? I’d spent the previous several visits trying to set boundaries with her around her drinking. When confronted, she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about but eventually agreed to not drink around us, “since it’s so important to you.” But during her visits she continued to ask for alcohol, to purchase it under various guises (“it’s for the marinara.”) After she left, I’d find empty wine bottles hidden in various nooks throughout my house. After so much energy spent policing these boundaries, the forced separation of the pandemic came as a relief.I blamed our increasing distance on being COVID-cautious, but she could sense I was pulling away, which triggered more acting out. On a random evening, I might get half-a-dozen angry voicemails about what a terrible person I was. Sometimes she threatened to commit suicide since I obviously didn’t care enough about her to answer the phone. (When she did this, I’d contact family members who lived with or near her who would then call 911. Always take suicide threats seriously.)One of the hardest parts of having an addicted fami
- 1 weeks ago5 min
Text the Friend You're Thinking About
By my early 30s, I’d moved 16 times. I’d transferred schools 5 times, lived in 14 different cities, and moved boxes in and out of countless apartments and houses. I’d always considered this my social superpower: I knew how to harness the allure of being “the new kid.” I was both extroverted and judgy; I sorted people quickly and built friendships that blazed quick and hot. (There’s nothing like an expiration date to cement intense friendships.) The cycle was: meet, befriend, leave, over and over again. It took me years to realize that this supposed “superpower” was holding me back from real, deep friendship.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Do We Still Need Friends? The Allure of the “Everything” RelationshipIt’s not just me who lacks friendship skills. From the “loneliness crisis” to viral content on “how to make friends as an adult,” it seems a lot of us are craving friendship.This lack feels baked into our culture. America doesn’t prioritize or center friendships, instead it’s largely oriented around romantic partnerships. (You can’t, for instance, share health insurance with a friend, no matter how close you are.)As many of our community affiliations (such as churches or civic groups) have dwindled in the past 50 years, more and more of our emotional and practical needs have fallen to our romantic partners. Our romantic expectations have never been higher: we want someone who will not only sweep us off our feet and do their fair share of domestic drudgery, they also need to also be our best friend. These expectations have given rise to what psychotherapist Esther Perel dubs, “The Everything Marriage”:“Everything that we wanted from a traditional marriage — companionship, family, children, economic support, a best friend, a passionate lover, a trusted confidante, an intellectual equal — we are asking from one person what an entire village once provided. And couples are crumbling under the weight of so much expectation.”(emphasis mine)Writing about this phenomenon for The Atlantic, author Rhaina Cohen calls it the “self-expressive” marriage: “spouses expected their partnership to be the site of self-discovery and personal growth.” (Gift link here.) As Perel and others have pointed out: expecting one person to be your everything generally doesn’t work. No one person is going to share all our interests, fill every single one of our needs, always be sexy and smart and interesting. Taking responsibilities for our needs means when one person can’t meet a specific need, we can find support in other relationships. I’m lucky to have a fantastic husband, but we don’t do everything together—he loves outer space and I love reality TV. I refused to see Project Hail Mary and he, in turn, doesn’t watch Love Island.We need friends to share our quirky hobbies with. We need them to help with care- and domestic work. We need people who’ll willingly listen to us complain about our spouses or our jobs or our kids. We need people to split the cost of a vacation house or a Netflix account. But for all these known benefits, many of us still struggle.Why Keeping Friendships Can Be So Hard & What to Do About ItAll the things that make friendship easy, like proximity and stage of life, can work against you as life goes on. That friend who lived down the hall in your college dorm now lives across the country. Things that were easy now take effort, and we only have so much effort to go around.Here is my Very Scientific List of Things that Make Maintaining Friendship Difficult:* Physical distance* Changing life circumstances: one friend gets married, has a kid or takes on other caretaking responsibilities, loses their job, etc.* Lack of clarity around the friendship. The label “best friends” hardly seems adequate for some of these relationships, which are more like platonic partnerships. But our culture/families doesn’t really understand ordering life around friendship vs. a romantic relationship. (More of this in The Atlantic article linked above) Yet maintaining friendships across these changes is possible! A highly scientific survey of readers on Substack Notes and on my Facebook revealed some great tips:* Embrace the awkwardness. If it’s been a while, things may feel weird at first. That’s okay! My tendency is to act like I know what’s going on, but I’m learning a better str
- 2 weeks ago5 min
A Post for When You Hate Everyone
Do you ever have one of those days where you fantasize about throwing someone out a window? Not that you would ever actually want to hurt someone, but there’s just that “leave me the fuck alone” feeling?Part of living in families and communities that doesn’t get a lot of airtime are the low-level irritations and resentments that can build up in long-term relationships. During this “Stuck Together Summer” we’ve gotta talk about feeling pissed off at the people you, ostensibly, love.Bruh, Why You Mad?I’m not immune from petty annoyances. When my husband was home with me for two weeks after a recent shoulder surgery, I might have, at one point, complained about how loudly he was breathing.When I find myself angry at people for doing things like breathing or behaving in ways that are intrinsic to them (such as my kids for being loud and argumentative) usually the problem is…me.In situations like this, some people like to use the acronym HALT (Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?) to check on themselves, I prefer the acronym SWaTHS: is the sun in my eyes? Do I have a wedgie (or other uncomfortable clothing situation)? Am I thirsty? Hangry? Sleepy? If SWaTHS doesn’t reveal a culprit, the problem is often boundary related. Many of us raised in high-control religions were taught to ignore our needs. The trouble is needs don’t magically disappear because you’re ignoring them! They just fester into irritation and resentment.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.What Boundaries Are (and Aren’t!)“Boundaries,” like a lot of therapy speak, is a term being widely misused across social media. People say “boundaries” to try and control others, to set ultimatums, and to generally say “this is a thing I don’t want to do and so I won’t because: therapy!”Boundaries, sadly, aren’t magic words that get other people to do whatever we want. Boundaries are decisions people make for themselves about what kind of behavior they will tolerate in order to protect their own mental and physical health.For example: Say your Aunt Bertha constantly brings up your bald spot and it drives you absolutely crazy.Not boundaries: You say “Aunt Bertha stop laughing at my bald spot or I’ll throw you the window!”Boundaries: You decide to mention to Aunt Bertha that her comments bother you. You decide that if she keeps bringing it up, you’ll have to cut your phone call or visit short.Notice here that your decision is about what you will do. You can’t control whether Aunt Bertha makes a crack about your appearance. You can control your response.Why Some People Hate BoundariesIn my experience, most people are very respectful of boundaries if they’re framed in a gently, such as “I wish I could help you with your tuba solo, but I’m at capacity.” Some people, though, take boundaries EXTREMELY PERSONALLY because:* it triggers their guilt: were their previous actions hurtful and they didn’t know?* they have rejection sensitivity (common in ADHD) or other trauma related to boundaries* the previous arrangement (you being a doormat) worked well for them. When you set boundaries it threatens the status quoI’ve dealt with a fair amount of drama regarding pretty straight-forward boundaries around my kids’ needs for regular meals and bedtimes. It sucks to feel like you have to choose between good parenting and keeping the peace. But, regardless of how people feel about our boundaries, it’s important to stick to them. Their feelings are their issue, not yours.There are, however, more complex boundary situations.Boundaries with People Who Have Power Over YouBoundaries are more complicated with people whom you depend on for housing, a salary, or other needs. It’s a lot easier to set boundaries with Aunt Bertha when she’s not the one paying your rent or watching your kids on the reg.For instance, if you have reason to believe that your boss will punish you for setting boundaries, you might have to take a different tack, such as lowering your expectations (“Bob always microwaves tuna, that’s just how it is”) or, if the situation is really bad, looking for a different job. Boundaries with People You Have Power OverFor many of us, setting boundaries with people we have power over can be equally difficult. Having been on the receiving end of abusive bosses, I’ve been reluctant to do things like tell my babysitter to put her phone away and, you know, watch my kids. (We all want to be liked, right?) I have to remind myself there’s a difference between being clear about expectations and being a bad boss.</p
- 3 weeks ago6 min
WE'RE DOOMED: Great Card Game, Terrible Outlook on Life
Summer started off with a bang in the Strange household—one of our kiddos pulled some epically bad behavior and, as a result, lost screentime privileges for two weeks! The one upshot of this arrangement is that he was B-O-R-E-D and willing to indulge in more boardgames than usual. Our new family favorite? A cheery little card game called WE’RE DOOMED!Why WE’RE DOOMED! Is So CompellingWE’RE DOOMED! imagines that the world is ending in 15 minutes, and only those who get a seat on an escape rocket will survive. The trick is, the rocket isn’t finished yet. The main choice on each turn is whether to contribute to the (shared) rocket project, or to perform actions which make it more likely that you, yourself, will get a seat on said rocket. Along the way there are fun complications like opportunities to steal or even “nuke” other players (thus eliminating them from the game.) Since the game is timed, all of this is all done with much shouting and rushing.I’ve played WE’RE DOOMED! a few dozen times now and have only succeeded in getting on the rocket once. Generally, everyone dies, but a few times we’ve managed to pull together and build a big enough rocket for all the (still-living) players. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.This game is the right level of fun, challenging, and silly. But the secret, nerdy reason that I like it? It’s a perfect illustration of the “tragedy of the commons.”Our Most Common Problem?The tragedy of the commons is an idea borrowed from economics describing a situation in which a group shares a common, scarce resource. Any one individual can try to hoard this resource for themselves at a cost to the community. Think overfishing, deforestation, or climate change. Once you understand the tragedy of the commons, you start to see it everywhere: it’s corporations putting short-term profits ahead of long-term financial stability (the financial crisis), it’s countries wanting to industrialize (and pollute) to gain an economic edge in the short-term while contributing to climate crisis in the long-term. What makes the tragedy of the commons so interesting is that it taps into that eternal tension between the individual and the community. What is fair? Who gets to decide? And should I take my “fair share,” or do I try to get one over on everyone else?The term “tragedy of the commons” was popularized by the economist Garrett Hardin, who wrote (of overgrazed “commons” or communal land):“Therein is the tragedy. Each man is locked into a system that compels him to increase his herd without limit – in a world that is limited. Ruin is the destination toward which all men rush, each pursuing his own best interest in a society that believes in the freedom of the commons. Freedom in a commons brings ruin to all.”— Garrett Hardin, The Tragedy of the CommonsHardin’s view, it seems, is that all people are inherently selfish and that we are, in fact, doomed to ruin all shared resources. The only solutions, in his estimation, are privatization and top-down government management. But is that actually the case?Crabbing LessonsWe were on a big group camping trip this weekend, playing WE’RE DOOMED! in the evening and crabbing by day, which provided an interesting view into the tragedy of the commons.When you crab in Washington, you must buy a $35 license. You’re limited to a certain number of crabs per day, of certain species, and you may not collect crabs that are too small, molting, or the wrong gender. This is top-down government regulation meant to prevent over-harvesting of crabs, enforced by park rangers.Due to a broken boat, we were mostly limited to crabbing off the dock this year. We were not the only ones doing so—the space was fairly crowded with a diverse group of people: immigrants speaking a variety of languages, experienced crabbers, newbie tourists, a precocious 12-year-old crustacean expert, and a very nice guy wearing a very obnoxious Trump t-shirt. The crabs were pretty scarce this year. Following Hardin’s logic, you’d expect that competition would be fierce and the strangers wouldn’t be very friendly towards each other. But you’d be wrong.While my crew only managed to catch 6 crabs over 2 days, we were given many more by folks who were doing better than us. Folks who preferred bigger crabs, or Dungeness versus Rock Crab, were giving us crustaceans left and right. Folks shared tools and tips and repeatedly helped each other. A sort of gift economy developed on the dock, partly enabled by those government limits. Ronald Reagan Was WrongIf you grew up like I did, learning that Reaganism was next to godliness, yo
- 4 weeks ago6 min
Stop Threatening to Move to Canada
I hear it all the time: America is doomed! It’s a dumpster fire! Democracy is over, etcetera, etcetera! Let’s all move to Europe! Oh wait, they have far-right, anti-immigrant leaders, too? Okay…New Zealand? Or there’s always our good old friendly neighbor to the north, right?!?!Lefties have been threatening to move to Canada, off and on, since George W. Bush was elected in 2000. The cries grew significantly louder after Trump’s first and second elections. And I get it—these are two administrations that were elected despite losing the popular vote; two administrations who have launched unnecessary foreign wars while simultaneously chipping away at American civil liberties. And let’s be real, Trump’s greed, narcissism, and lust for power makes Bush look like a thoughtful elder statesman in comparison.Of course, we despair when it felt like our votes didn’t matter and as we’ve watched congress and the courts cede more and more of their duty to act as checks and balances. But I’m not ready to give up on America, and neither should you.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.America is Not Nazi GermanyWorld War Two looms large in the American imagination, and with good reason. There’s been plenty of scholarship devoted to recording and sharing the stories of those Hitler persecuted, particularly Jewish people. Who upon hearing these stories of lucky escapes, doesn’t imagine themselves in their shoes, fleeing the Nazi death machine? Who among us doesn’t scan the headlines from time to time, wondering about our country’s own descent towards fascism?And yet, thankfully, we are not there. Yes, there has been persecution of certain groups, particularly Brown and Black immigrants. This is awful, disgusting behavior that we should not tolerate. And the good news is, most Americans (60%) don’t.We saw the power of resistance in the fight for Minneapolis last January. We’ve seen it in the national outcry against Trump’s thuggish policies. And we’ve seen it in Trump’s cratering approval ratings. Yes, there is a core of MAGA followers who, it seems, will follow their dear leader to the gates of Hell, but most Americans won’t.Using Our Privilege WiselyIt’s one thing to stand in solidarity with those who are persecuted, it’s another to imagine ourselves persecuted when we are not. As I wrote about last month, we must always check our fears against evidence. And when I look at the evidence I see that I, a middle-class white woman living in Seattle, am not being persecuted.What to do with all this privilege, then? Move to Canada out of some fear of what could, hypothetically, happen? Moving would be a lot easier for me than for most of the folks reading this. Immigration is always—bare minimum—a huge pain in the ass, but I’ve lived in Canada before. Both my kids were born there. (Thanks for the c-sections, British Columbia!) But when I think about the people I admire, such as Martin Luther King and Dietrich Bonhoeffer, these were people who stayed and fought. Bonhoeffer came to America during the Third Reich to learn from American Civil Rights leaders. He could’ve stayed, but instead he wrote to Reinhold Niebuhr (author of the Serenity Prayer):“I have made the mistake in coming to America. I must live through this difficult period of our national history with the Christian people of Germany. I will have no right to participate in the reconstruction of Christian life in Germany after the war if I do not share the trials of this time with my people”Bonhoeffer was eventually killed for his acts of resistance against Hitler. And, of course, King was assassinated for his activism. Do I undermine my own argument by holding them up as examples? I must concede: resistance is never a safe road. For reminders of this, we need look no further than the murders of Alex Pretti and Renee Good in Minneapolis. And yet, I keep coming back to Kant’s Categorical Imperative.What in the What Now?Don’t be scared, I’m not going to pummel you with philosophical jargon. Basically, the Categorical Imperative is a way of asking if an action is morally permissible by imagining that everyone is allowed to do this action and then asking whether the resulting world would be better or worse.Take stealing. If I want to know whether steal
- Jun 24, 20263 min
The Scariest Thing I Have Ever Done
My Secret FearFor someone with an anxiety disorder, I have managed to do a lot of scary stuff. Things like: moving away from my family, getting married when I was a dumb 22-year-old, moving to another country without a job or a place to live—twice! having kids, and telling a deeply personal story onstage at The Moth. But the actual Scariest Thing I’ve Ever Done was none of those things. It was self-publishing my novel last year. Maybe that sounds like not a big deal, but honestly, during the entire 6-month process I was WRECKED, mainly because I have a giant fear of other people thinking I am stupid. Yes, I was the 6th grader who toted around a leather-bound volume of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare like it was a magical talisman that could protect me from porny 90s culture which treated all femme girls like complete bimbos. Yes, despite all evidence to the contrary, there’s still a part of me that fears being reduced to my reproductive organs. This fear stockpiles my shortcomings and whispers them back to me in the middle of the night. Waiting for my novel to publish, it fed me nightmares of all my Super Smart Literary Friends reading my book and thinking, “I can’t believe she thought this was good enough to publish, she must be delusional.” The fear was strong, so much so that I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED not publishing my book at all. Like, I announced it and then thought maybe I ought to just take it back?! Lessons from a Border CollieWhen I was growing up in rural Montana, we had a border collie named Mickey who, in accordance with his breeding, liked to herd other animals. Sometimes this was cute, like on hikes when he would nudge laggards onward. (Nothing like a border collie snout to the backside to make you pick up the pace.) But it was a problem when Mickey started chasing our neighbors’ horses.My dad installed one of those invisible fences around our property and put a shock collar on Mickey. When Mickey got too close to the perimeter, he’d hear a buzz, and if he kept going and crossed the fence line, he’d get a small electric shock.The trouble was, Mickey soon decided that a small, short shock was worth the price of freedom. He’d take the charge and keep right on running. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Fear is a FenceMickey’s shock collar came to me as I was reflecting back on fear and the scary decisions I’ve made. These past two months, we’ve been looking at the Problem of Fear—what is it? How do we learn to live with it? So far we’ve covered:-Being a Scaredy Cat-Fear of Being a Laughingstock-Sorting Out Rational vs. Irrational Fear-Fear of Travel-“Faith Over Fear” (and why I hate it)-Fear of Strangers-Fear of HellI think fear is like that invisible fence, it keeps us close to home, stops us from exploring. Like with Mickey and the horses, that can be a good thing. But many times, our fears are a fence that is far too small, a rigid boundary that keeps us from growing.Don’t Forget: You Have Survived WorseFear wants us to play it small, to never try. But we, like Mickey, can learn to take the shock and keep going. This is the biggest gift I’ve gotten from having an anxiety disorder: I now know that (most of) my fears are irrational and that I will survive doing the Big Scary Thing. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. So when I get scared, I try to imagine what my life would be like if I had listened to fear and “stayed inside the fence” so to speak. Would I have ever left my hometown? Met my husband? Had my kids? Had any sort of career in writing or activism?Once you decide to take the charge and keep running, you know you can do it again. And so, if fear is holding you back from something you want to do, something that would be meaningful to your life, that’s my advice to you. Embrace some corny Millennial #YOLO energy or your nearest Nike slogan and go for it. Remember that you have survived worse! Let each new feat pave the way towards a bold life.
- Jun 17, 20267 min
Relax, Hell isn't Real!
Welcome new subscribers! This week, we’re continuing our series on FEAR. There’s a bit on parenting here, but if you’re looking for a more parenting-specific article, I can recommend The Extreme Weirdness of Trying to Buy a Bible for My Kids. You can also search “parenting” in the archive.Obsessing Over the AfterlifeGrowing up Evangelical, there were a lot of things to be afraid of, including but not limited to:* being “left behind” at the rapture* demons * tarnishing one’s purity Simultaneously, we were shamed for being afraid and told that our fear was due to a lack of faith.By far though, my biggest fear was Hell. Would I forget to confess a sin and be cast into eternal damnation? Could I “backslide” and lose my salvation? I worried about friends and loved ones and even strangers on the street. It seemed to me that no one else was taking Hell seriously enough—it was ETERNAL, after all. I wondered how my fellow churchgoers could believe in this vision of Hell and not spend every waking moment obnoxiously evangelizing every single person they met?God was love, I was often told, but God was also perfect and He demanded perfection. Trying to be perfect was the only way of ensuring I wouldn’t be condemned. God was the Big Angry Man in the Sky who was just waiting to drop the hammer on all of us. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.A Change of HeartIt took a lot of life experience, theological study, and therapy for me to admit the truth: Hell makes no sense. Penal Substitutionary Atonement (the predominant way of looking at Jesus’ crucifixion in most American churches) makes no sense, either. Once I became a parent, I could not imagine God (who is supposed to be the perfect parent) subjecting any of his children to eternal punishment or coercing them into loving him by threatening to torture them forever.I can imagine hackles rising even as I write this. If you are a believer in Hell and PSA, you probably want to stop reading right here. But I want to challenge you to consider the alternative—can you imagine how your faith and your life would be different if you let go of these beliefs? If, at the end of my article, you’re unconvinced, that’s fine. Just give me five minutes, if you please.Do All Dogs Go to Heaven?I’m not alone in doubting Hell’s existence. Christian Universalism (the idea that all people will eventually be saved) dates back at least 300 years, if not longer. (For reference, the modern belief of a Pre-Tribulation Rapture is only about 200 years old.) Author and Methodist minister, Derek Ryan Kubilus, explores the arguments for and against Hell in his book, Holy Hell: A Case Against Eternal Damnation. Kubilus examines the Bible verses commonly cited as evidence for Hell, pointing out that many English translations put a thumb on the scale. For example, certain words are sometimes translated as “Hell” and sometimes simply as “pit” or “grave.” He also points out that our modern understanding of Hell comes more from Dante’s Inferno rather than the Bible. The Ancient Jews and Greeks who were writing and reading the Bible had very different schemas of the afterlife. In Kubilus’ telling, even the Bible’s allusions to fire and brimstone aren’t about torture, they’re part of a series of metallurgical metaphors, speaking to the process of refining ore into gold rather than punishing baddies. Wait, What About Hitler?Kubilus, like some Universalists, believes in Purgatory—that is, that based on our sins, we will all be subject to some process of “refinement.” For someone like Hitler, it might take 5 million years, but eventually even he could be saved.I was surprised to find a Protestant version of Purgatory. Is it necessary? Couldn’t God just choose to forgive, like we humans do? But I admit, it does deal with the problem of justice: we don’t want people like Hitler to go to straight to Heaven, do we? It just doesn’t feel right.When You Punch Your Friend in the Face for No ReasonThis question of justice became real for me recently, when my 11-year-old, T, got in trouble at schoo
- Jun 10, 20268 min
'Stranger Danger' is Bullshit
I was out with a group of mom friends recently when the conversation turned to how much we have to schlep our kids around—driving/walking them to school, to sports practice, to lessons and day camps. There was broad consensus that: * we hate it* it feels mandatory as “good moms” AND* we wonder whether our kids could…just maybe…be a little more independent? This last point was uttered cautiously, as if everyone was reading the room, terrified of being judged. And with good reason. All too often maternal suffering feels like a competition; if you’re not having a bad time, you must not be doing enough. And don’t your precious little babies deserve EVERYTHING?Moms are expected to make sacrifices to our careers, personal interests, and even our health in order to ensure that our offspring are protected from every imaginable risk AND maintain dominance in the extracurricular arms race. The end goal of this is… unclear. Harvard, I guess? Some magical career that will guarantee a comfortable, middle-class life with zero upheaval? Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Arrested for Leaving Her Kid Alone in a CarAuthor Kim Brooks knows firsthand the consequences of being judged a “bad mom”—after leaving her preschooler in the car for 5 minutes while she ran into a store, Virginia police put out a warrant for her arrest. This led to a two-year legal tussle, which she admits, could’ve been much worse if she weren’t white and middle-class.At first, Brooks kept her legal problems a secret. She felt weirdly ashamed even as she recognized, logically, that her son had been perfectly safe. It was a cool day; she’d cracked the windows. She could see the car from the checkout counter, for crying out loud!But when she began sharing the issue with friends, the mommy judgment machine went into high gear. Again and again, people told her she should never have left her son alone, not even for a minute, because of the risk of STRANGER DANGER, “anything could have happened” was a common refrain.Reality CheckBrooks chronicles this saga and the wider panic around American childhood in her book, Small Animals: Parenthood in the Age of Fear. In it, Brooks interrogates many of our modern parenting fears, including the obsession with Stranger Danger. She notes that stranger abductions make up a mere 3% of all child disappearances (many of which are parental abductions, runaways, or simply kids who are lost for a few hours.) In fact, a child is more likely to become president than be abducted by a stranger.American historian Steven Mintz has called Stranger Danger a moral panic, saying that, following economic upheaval in the 70s,“Focusing concern on threats to children may have provided a solution to this psychological dilemma [of job insecurity and growing wealth inequality.] Anxiety about the future could be expressed in terms of concerns for children’s safety.” Brooks adds that focusing all one’s energy on children’s safety rather than an uncertain economy, “feels more manageable.”How Stranger Danger Harms KidsThe practical effects of the Stranger Danger moral panic were a vast reduction in childhood independence. Whereas kids in previous generations often walked or biked themselves places and organized their own games and pastimes with other neighborhood kids, nowadays there seem to be two options available to children: overscheduling hell or screen zombiedom. Case in point: my 11-year-old wants to learn to skateboard. If he were living in a different country or a different era, I’d drop him off at the local skatepark (or, even better, tell him to bus there himself) and let him hang out with older kids who could show him the ropes. But the skateparks near us sit empty most of the time, unless someone is being directly supervised (and, let’s be honest, nitpicked) by a parent or there’s a skateboard day camp ($$$) in session. Today’s kids are rarely unsupervised.This lack of independence hurts kids. It makes them more anxious and worse at handling interpersonal conflicts. And having adults hovering nearby prevents kids from gaining self-efficacy (a feeling that they can handle challenges and influence their environment.) And self-efficacy, it turns out, is one of the biggest preventive factors for kids developing drug and alcohol addiction. How Stranger Danger Harms AdultsIt’s not just kids who suffer the effects of this moral panic, I think it’s a huge contributor to what I call the “Parenting Misery Spiral”: the more that
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About Heretic Hereafter Podcast
Heretic Hereafter is about figuring out how to live the good life after leaving Evangelical Christianity. Whether you're religious or not, join us for a weekly dose of humor and reflection that helps us look past the superficial for life's deeper meanings.
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