520: Ask David--Grief, Love and Letting Go

Ask David: Grief, Love and Letting Go Hosts:Kevin Cornelius, LMFTDr. David BurnsGuest: Dr. Matt May In this Ask David episode of The Feeling Good Podcast, David Burns, Kevin Cornelius, and Matt May explore three emotionally difficult situations: watching a child struggle and desperately wanting to help, grieving the loss of someone you love, and trying to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who has clearly said no. The common thread? Our suffering often increases when we try to control something—or someone—that we cannot control. When Your Child Is Struggling The episode begins with a parent asking how to help a daughter who is having a difficult time. David offers a counterintuitive suggestion: sometimes the best way to help is to stop trying to help. Rather than pushing advice, solutions, or therapy, parents can learn to listen with genuine empathy. David recommends learning the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, which can help parents create an environment where their children feel understood and are more willing to talk. David also emphasizes an important principle from his own clinical practice: he doesn't try to help people against their will. Unless a child is very young, the person receiving therapy needs to want the help and ask for it. Matt adds another important dimension: parents and therapists may experience guilt, frustration, anger, or self-blame when they can't make someone else better. Those feelings don't mean you're a bad parent or therapist. They may simply reflect how deeply you care. What Is Healthy Grief? The second question comes from someone grieving the death of a spouse and wondering whether intense misery and despair are signs of unhealthy grief—and how long healthy grief is supposed to last. The discussion offers an important distinction: Healthy grief can be extremely painful. Sadness itself isn't necessarily something that needs to be "fixed." If the painful thoughts are accurate—"I'll never see my spouse again" or "I miss the person I loved"—then the appropriate response may be empathy rather than cognitive restructuring. But grief can become complicated by distorted thoughts, such as: "It's my fault that she died." "I should have done more." "I should have known." "I should have prevented this." "I'll never be happy again." These thoughts can add guilt, shame, anger, and hopelessness to the natural pain of loss. David also challenges the idea that there is a prescribed timetable for grief. There is no universal schedule that says when someone "should" be finished grieving. Trying to force yourself to recover according to an arbitrary timeline may simply create another layer of suffering. Instead, David encourages listeners to lean into grief rather than judge it. Deep grief can be understood as an expression of deep love. When Romantic Pursuit Becomes a Trap The final question comes from Ahmed, who became interested in a divorced woman, expressed