303. The Science of Getting Past Small Talk (And What To Share on Dates) w/ Vanessa Bohns

What if the secret to better dates isn’t saying the “right” thing, but worrying less about how you’re coming across and getting more curious about the person in front of you? In this episode, I’m talking with experimental social psychologist and author Vanessa Bohns about the science of what we say, what we hold back, and how other people actually respond to us.Vanessa breaks down why we often underestimate how much people like us, why vulnerability tends to go over better than we expect, and how asking the right kinds of questions can create more intimacy without making a date feel like an interview.We’re getting into how to...Decide when to share something vulnerable or sensitive in early datingTell the difference between healthy vulnerability and trauma dumpingFigure out why you feel the urge to disclose somethingTalk about your accomplishments without sounding like you’re braggingUnderstand the “liking gap” and why your dates may like you more than you thinkAsk questions that actually build connection instead of slipping into interview modeUse follow-up questions to naturally get into deeper conversationsHandle dates where you’re doing all the asking and they aren’t asking anything backDecide whether you should give someone feedback after a dateBe honest without saying something unnecessarily hurtfulStop focusing so much on impressing someone and start paying attention to whether you actually like themPlus, Vanessa and I answer a dating dilemma from a listener who is four dates in with someone she likes and wondering whether she should proactively tell him she’s still dating other people.MENTIONEDVanessa's book: Should I Say Something?: The Science of What to Share―and What to Keep to YourselfVanessa's InstagramMORE FROM DATING INTENTIONALLYDate Tracker: Start your 7-day free trial! (iOS link)Take the quiz: What's holding you back in dating?Say hi on InstagramBook a 1:1 with meSubmit a dating dilemmaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.