Inner Critic vs. Inner Coach | 390

Beating yourself up doesn’t make you better person. Hating yourself doesn’t motivate you more. So what’s the difference between holding yourself high standards and punishing yourself for failure? In this episode we discuss the two warring voices in each of us — the inner critic and the inner coach. “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” ― Epictetus The Problem When I was growing up, I used to be incredibly hard on myself. I had this belief that I had to be perfect. Much of this came from growing up Mormon. The standards that I was told that I had to follow were really, for me, unobtainable. I tried so hard to do everything right, be the perfect person, and beat myself up when I thought I had failed. You believe that if you just follow all these rules and act the way you’re supposed to, that you’ll finally be happy. My mom even told me that she was afraid to criticize me about anything because I was already so hard on myself she didn’t want to drag me down even further. But here’s the thing: you can’t hate yourself into being a better person. Hating yourself might give you some short term motivation and energy, but it doesn’t help you be a happier, thriving person. The standards that I had handed to me made me miserable. Because I judged myself so harshly, I also judged others really harshly too. I had this hardline view of how others were supposed to behave. When others made mistakes, rather than being compassionate and kind, I was often as judgmental towards them as I was towards myself. Another thing that happens when you’re that hard on yourself, is that when others give you feedback or criticism, it always feels like an attack. I felt like it was unfair. I was trying hard wasn’t I? I was doing my best! But it wasn’t their criticism that was the problem. Because I was already judging myself so harshly, it felt like I was being picked on. Rather than seeing it as correction and feedback, I saw as judgment being piled on what I was dishing out to myself. So where does that source of this come from? Shame. Shame that I wasn’t living up to those standards. Through that perfectionist lens, I saw my failures as a personal reflection of me. Not “I failed at something”, but “I am a failure as a person”. And because of that shame, I couldn’t look at my failures objectively. I looked at them as proof that I was as bad a person as I thought I was. Each mistake was just another item on my checklist as proof that I was not a good person. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, a well-regarded researcher on shame, puts it perfectly: “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Those impossible standards that we hold for ourselves keep us stuck in a spiral because we can’t ever achieve them, then use them as proof that we’re a failure. She puts is simply: “We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can't use shame to change ourselves or others.” The Philosophy So how do we move past this shaming and harsh self-criticism and become less judgmental about ourselves, without abandoning high standards? Some people think that Stoicism is about keeping unrealistic standards for ourselves, being unbending and unyielding. Even Marcus Aurelius said, “Be tolerant of others and strict with yourself.” But when he said that, what he meant was that you shouldn’t judge others by the standards you hold for yourself. They may have a different set of values and a different idea of what is important. You shouldn’t expect others to live the way you do. The Stoics, while they were strict with themselves and trying to live up to their principles, had a clear understanding that humans are fallible. We make mistakes. We screw things up. We’re not automatons. Therefore perfection is impossible. One of my favorite quotes from Epictetus is: “The ignorant blame others for their own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise see all blame as foolishness.” But I’ll admit, when I first read this, I didn’t truly understand it. How do you not blame anyone? If something goes wrong, isn’t there someone to blame? Over time, I started to understand: things happen. Life happens. Nothing will ever work out perfectly. Then I read a different translation of this quote and it fully clicked: “Small-minded people habitually reproach others for their own misfortunes. Average people reproach themselves. Those who are dedicated to a life of wisdom understand that the impulse to blame something or someone is foolishness, that there is nothing to be gained in blaming, whether it be others or oneself.” Whil