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Myopia Movies: Daily Summaries Delivered
by Nic Hoffmann
Welcome to Myopia Movies! Each week we watch the movies from the 80s and 90s we grew up watching to address the lies that our memories and Blockbuster video told us. Do they hold up?
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- 2 weeks ago1h 15m
Coraline
Button eyes, a suspiciously perfect mother, and a tunnel that definitely should have been left alone. This week we riff on Henry Selick’s stop-motion nightmare-fuel masterpiece, in which a bored kid discovers that the grass is always greener in the Other World, mostly because it’s being grown by a soul-eating arachnid with a sewing hobby. We cover the things the movie asks us to ignore: why Coraline’s parents have apparently never heard of a “work-life balance,” how the Pink Palace Apartments passed any kind of inspection, and why no adult in this film ever says “maybe don’t go into the creepy door.” We also pay tribute to the Other Father’s surprisingly catchy musical number, and to the cat, who is the only competent person in the entire cast. Grab your key, avoid anything made of buttons, and join us for a movie that proves childhood was never as safe as we remember. How will Coraline hold up? Directed by: Henry Selick Screenplay by: Henry Selick, based on the novella by Neil Gaiman Studio: Laika, released by Focus Features (2009) Music by: Bruno Coulais, with songs by They Might Be Giants Voice cast: Dakota Fanning as Coraline Jones Teri Hatcher as Mel Jones / The Other Mother John Hodgman as Charlie Jones / The Other Father Keith David as The Cat Robert Bailey Jr. as Wybie Lovat Jennifer Saunders as Miss Spink Dawn French as Miss Forcible Ian McShane as Mr. Bobinsky
- 3 weeks ago57 min
House (Hausu, Japan, 1977)
This week on Myopia Movies, we accept an invitation to Auntie’s house, which is a mistake, because Auntie’s house is hungry. Nobuhiko Obayashi’s 1977 Japanese horror-comedy follows Gorgeous and her six schoolmates (Kung Fu, Prof, Fantasy, Melody, Mac, and Sweetie, because subtlety was not on the call sheet) as they head to the countryside for a summer getaway. What awaits them is a sentient house, a murderous piano, a possessed cat, a watermelon with a secret, and special effects that look like a kaleidoscope fell down a flight of stairs. The film was conceived in part with Obayashi’s young daughter, which explains a lot about the logic, and nothing about the ceiling lamp. Is it a horror film? A comedy? A fever dream assembled from the contents of a 1970s Toho prop closet? Yes. Join us as we riff through one of the most gloriously unhinged movies ever made, where the editing has no rules and the plot has no brakes. Bring snacks, but keep a close eye on them. They may be sentient too. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How does House hold up? Director: Nobuhiko Obayashi Main cast: Kimiko Ikegami as Gorgeous (Oshare) Kumiko Ohba as Kung Fu Yōko Minamida as Auntie Miki Jinbo as Prof (Ōtsuka) Ai Matsubara as Fantasy Eriko Tanaka as Mac (Kuinshiru) Masayo Miyako as Melody Mieko Sato as Sweetie Kiyohiko Ozaki as Mr. Togo Saho Sasazawa as Gorgeous’s father (Mr. Gorgeous) Haruko Wanibuchi as Gorgeous’s stepmother
- Oct 8, 202647 min
Don't Look Under the Bed
Something is rotten in Middleton, and everyone thinks it’s Frances. Pranks are piling up across town, the adults are furious, and the only person who believes her innocent is a childhood imaginary friend who has shown up unannounced with some alarming news: the Boogeyman is real, he’s loose, and he’s framing her. This week we revisit a Disney Channel Original Movie from the golden age of tweens, slumber parties, and a weirdly high number of adults who refuse to listen to teenagers. We riff on the logic of the Boogeyman’s master plan, the town’s astonishing lack of due process, and why nobody ever just checks under the bed. Grab a flashlight, keep your feet off the floor, and join us. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Don't Look Under the Bed hold up? Directed by Kenneth Johnson Starring: Erin Chambers, Ty Hodges, Robin Riker, Steve Valentine, Stephen Tobolowsky, Jake Sakson
- Oct 1, 20261h 10m
Phantoms (1998)
A whole town has vanished. Snowfield, Colorado, is empty except for a few corpses, a ringing phone, and a vibe that says "don't touch anything." Naturally, we touch everything. This week we riff on Phantoms, the 1998 adaptation of Dean Koontz's horror novel. Two sisters (Joanna Going and Rose McGowan) roll into town and find it deserted. Then they find Sheriff Ben Affleck, who is very serious about all of this. Then a scientist (Peter O'Toole, who is clearly there for the paycheck and the vibes) shows up to explain that the answer is an ancient shapeshifting horror from beneath the earth. Liev Schreiber is also here, to remind us that this was a very strange moment in everyone's career. We discuss: Why every small-town sheriff in a horror movie takes "the entire population is gone" so calmly Peter O'Toole delivering exposition like he's reading the Magna Carta to a hostage A monster that is part Lovecraft, part Play-Doh, and part "the effects budget ran out" Where Phantoms sits in the great late-'90s tradition of horror movies that want to be Scream but can't commit Grab your snacks, check that your phone line isn't dead, and join us for another round of riffing. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Phantoms hold up? Directed by Joe Chappelle Starring: Peter O'Toole, Joanna Going, Rose McGowan, Liev Schreiber, Ben Affleck, Clifton Powell, Nicky Katt, Michael DeLorenzo
- Sep 24, 202658 min
Chicago (2002)
Six women charges with murder in Cook County and somehow they're the ones putting on the show. This week we're strapping ourselves into fishnets and existential dread for Rob Marshall's musical about murder, media, and the sweet, sweet payoff of celebrity homicide. Renée Zellweger discovers that shooting your boyfriend is basically an open mic night, Catherine Zeta-Jones proves prison is just improv with worse lighting, and Richard Gere spends two hours doing legal tap-dancing — sometimes literally. Queen Latifah runs the cell block like a landlord who takes cash only, and every single musical number is somebody's fantasy sequence because apparently nobody in 1920s Chicago can process trauma without a spotlight. We're riffing courtroom theatrics, jazz-hand justice, and a plot that boils down to "fame forgives everything." All that jazz, none of the remorse. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Chicago hold up? Directed by: Rob Marshall Starring: Renée Zellweger Catherine Zeta-Jones Richard Gere Queen Latifah John C. Reilly Christine Baranski Taye Diggs Lucy Liu
- Sep 18, 20261h 53m
Showgirls
Nomi Malone wants to dance. She wants it so bad she'll claw, thrust, and pool-vomit her way from a Vegas diner to the top of the Stardust Casino's marquee show — and we're along for every glitter-caked, oddly joyless step of it. Paul Verhoeven and Joe Eszterhas set out to make the ultimate NC-17 spectacle and instead produced one of the most gloriously, bafflingly bad movies ever released by a major studio. We're talking about the lap dances that look like seizures, the dialogue that sounds like it was translated into and out of three other languages, and a steak dinner scene that has somehow entered the pop-culture canon. Join us as we dissect Showgirls — a film so committed to its own vision of sleazy excess that it looped back around into something like camp genius. Is it satire? Is it just bad? Is Elizabeth Berkley giving the bravest performance of 1995 or the most unhinged? We riff, we argue, we never quite agree. How will Showgirls hold up? Directed by Paul Verhoeven Starring: Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan, Gina Gershon, Glenn Plummer, Robert Davi, Alan Rachins, Gina Ravera, Lin Tucci
- Sep 10, 20261h 16m
Coyote Ugly
A movie about a songwriter who is too shy to sing, solved by putting her on a bar in wet jeans. Violet Sanford flees New Jersey for Manhattan with a demo tape and roughly nine dollars, gets robbed, gets hired at a saloon whose entire business model is "hydrate the patrons against their will," and discovers that the cure for stage fright is a crowd of drunk men chanting. Meanwhile her father drives down from the Garden State to yell about it, and Adam Garcia keeps showing up like a Australian golden retriever who learned to make omelets. Bruckheimer looked at Flashdance, said "what if less plot and more hose," and cashed a check. We're here for the fire code violations, the LeAnn Rimes of it all, and the moment John Goodman quietly outacts the entire soundtrack. Also: nobody in this bar is ever served a drink. We counted. Can you fight the moonlight? Findings inside. How will Coyote Ugly hold up? Directed by David McNally Starring: Piper Perabo, Adam Garcia, John Goodman, Maria Bello, Izabella Miko, Tyra Banks, Bridget Moynahan, Melanie Lynskey
- Sep 4, 202649 min
Mean Girls Remastered
We're digging into the vault for this one. The Plastics are back, Gretchen is still trying to make fetch happen, and so are we. Join us as we revisit our take on the 2004 teen comedy that somehow became both a cultural touchstone and a Broadway musical — because Hollywood ran out of ideas and humility. Does Mean Girls hold up? Is Regina George actually the hero? Why does a grown adult math teacher have this many emotional breakdowns? We had questions in [original year]. We have more questions now. Remastered for clarity. The opinions are messier than ever. How will Mean Girls hold up? Directed by Mark Waters Starring Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, Amanda Seyfried, Lizzy Caplan, Daniel Franzese, Jonathan Bennett, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Rajiv Surendra
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About Myopia Movies
Welcome to Myopia Movies! Each week we watch the movies from the 80s and 90s we grew up watching to address the lies that our memories and Blockbuster video told us. Do they hold up?
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