If the Holidays Bring Out Your Old Wounds...Read This

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, connection, and reflection. But for many of us, the moment we walk through that familiar front door, something shifts.Your shoulders tense. Your heart rate quickens. You hear a certain tone in your parent’s voice, and suddenly you’re a fourteen-year-old again, trying not to roll your eyes or cry at the dinner table. You tell yourself you’ll stay calm, but within ten minutes your mom starts to criticize how you raise your kids and then you snap and feel guilty and sad for days.It may not be this exact scenario, but many people go through their own version of something like this.It can be a strange experience. You spent years building confidence, independence, and emotional regulation, yet all it takes is one holiday meal to send your nervous system into a tailspin.So, why does this happen? And why can the people who love us most also make us feel the most triggered?In this piece we’ll unpack this, and I’ll share a step-by-step reset you can use this Thanksgiving to stay calm, kind, and grounded no matter what happens.For a deeper dive, you can listen to the latest episode of Mental Health Bites here or on Apple Podcasts. You can also find more short clips and helpful tips at my YouTube channel.The Neuroscience of Family TriggersYour brain is a memory keeper. But it doesn’t necessarily remember events as you might think. Instead, it remembers states.This happens to all of us. Even if you’re 40, successful, and self-aware, your amygdala can pull up emotional “snapshots” of how it used to feel to be around your family in an instant—moments when you felt criticized, dismissed, unseen, or pressured to perform.This is because when you’re around people who shaped your earliest emotional experiences, your amygdala (the part of your brain responsible for threat detection) lights up like a fire alarm. The hippocampus, which stores context and narrative memory, works alongside the amygdala.So when your mom makes that same comment she’s been making for decades, your brain doesn’t process it as “just a comment.” Your brain links it to a cascade of similar moments. And with every eye roll, sigh, and unmet need, your body reacts as if you’re back there again.At the same time, the rational part of your brain that manages impulse control and perspective, gets temporarily hijacked. When that happens, your adult self fades and your inner child grabs the wheel. This is why even a small family comment can feel like a deep wound.The Attachment Angle: The Why Behind These ReactivationsAttachment theory helps explain the “why” behind those reactivations.If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving, such as love mixed with criticism or attention paired with pressure, your body learned to anticipate rejection even in closeness. So when you visit home for the holidays, your body sees family but also the potential for disapproval, comparison, or shame.When the family reconvenes, it’s like stepping back into a play that’s been rehearsed for decades. And everyone instinctively remembers their lines. One person becomes the peacemaker, smoothing every conflict. Another becomes the achiever, trying to earn approval through success.These dynamics can be stressful, but the hopeful truth is that awareness gives you power. While you can’t erase the past conditioning, thanks to neuroplasticity, you can rewire your nervous system’s response in the present and form new, healthier patterns.The “Table Reset” Technique: A Practical TakeawayThis is a neuroscience-based, four-step grounding method I teach to patients for use in high-stress family interactions. It helps you re-engage your prefrontal cortex, regulate your nervous system, and step back into your adult self calmly, confidently, and compassionately.* Step 1: Name What’s Happening (Silently). When you notice your body reacting, say to yourself, “This is a trigger. My chest feels heavy. My body remembers this feeling.” This is called affect labeling; it’s a technique that reduces amygdala activation. When you name your emotion or physical state it brings online the rational, calming parts of your brain.* Step 2: Engage Your Vagus Nerve. This will signal your nervous system to exit “fight or flight” and return to “rest