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Lights On with Carl Lentz: Daily Summaries Delivered
by B-Side
Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives.Turn on the lights with us!
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- Today44 min
Two questions every couple in recovery is asking (and the honest answers)
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.comSome of the hardest questions in recovery aren't the big ones. They're the small, daily ones that couples get stuck on for years without ever asking out loud. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take on two of them, both pulled straight from the mailbag, and get into the honest answers most couples never get.The first: when does accountability start turning into policing, and how do you rebuild the muscle of trust without micromanaging every conversation? Carl walks through the "most gracious story" technique that changed how they approached daily check-ins, why proactive honesty is worth more than any answer given under interrogation, and how to handle the lose-lose questions every betrayed spouse eventually asks (like "do you find her attractive?"). Laura gets honest about the difference between her husband creating safety for her and her needing him to be her safety system, and where that line has to live for a marriage to actually heal.The second: where do you actually get help? Carl walks through the road he took: on-site, rehab, group therapy, the relapse five months in, and the specialized help that finally started to move the needle. Laura shares her own road through betrayal trauma therapy, the red flags of a bad therapist, and why they skipped traditional couples counseling entirely for the first stretch of recovery. Both of them agree on one thing: it's the betrayer's job to find help. Not the betrayed spouse's.Stay for the "am I doing anything currently?" question that reframes accountability entirely, the Vegas story that will make you laugh out loud, the reframe worth writing down (you can create safety, but you can't become her safety system), and the closer that anchors the whole episode: specialized help isn't optional. It's the difference between surviving this and healing from it.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
- 1 weeks ago51 min
Fighting, s*x, and privacy: what actually counts as normal
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com"Is this normal?" is one of the most asked questions in every marriage counselor's office. It's also one of the most dangerous ones, because "normal" and "healthy" aren't the same thing. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle three real listener questions that get to the heart of what most couples are quietly wondering but afraid to ask.The first: is it normal to be fighting constantly? Carl and Laura draw the line between fighting and healthy conflict using a gym metaphor that will land for anyone in a marriage that feels heavier than it should, and they walk through three questions any couple can use to test whether their conflict is producing growth or just producing damage. The second: what if we have sx very infrequently, is that normal? They get honest about why frequent doesn't mean healthy, why sx is the truest metric of a marriage's overall state, and the exact script a couple can use to start the conversation neither of them wants to start. The third: how much privacy is normal in a healthy marriage? They walk through the difference between privacy and secrecy, why "nothing to hide" is the only real starting point, and where the line falls on phones, passwords, social media, and DMs.You'll hear Laura get direct about the danger of "keeping the peace" when peace is just protecting the problem, and why toleration erodes standards you didn't even know you had. Carl gets honest about the years he lived in fear of being found out, why he believes we weren't designed to live with secrets, and how the bedroom is almost always the report card, not the root issue.Stay for the Gottman notebook trick for non-defensive listening, the "exposed vs. caught" test that will change how you think about privacy in marriage, and the closer worth writing down: presence over performance. In every part of your marriage. Every time.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
- 2 weeks ago39 min
Four Myths about Betrayal We Need to Stop Believing
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.comSome of the biggest misconceptions couples carry into betrayal recovery aren't just wrong. They're the reason people stay stuck for years. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about four of the most common myths they hear over and over from listeners, friends, and couples they've walked through this with. And every one of them lands somewhere that will surprise you.The first: can your marriage ever be the same after betrayal? The second: does staying mean you're weak? The third: if you don't trust them yet, have you really forgiven them? The fourth: does the cheater always have the most work to do?You'll hear Carl and Laura push back on the assumption that "the same as before" is even a good goal, and why the couples who thrive after betrayal often say their marriage is now better than it was, not because the betrayal was worth it, but because the work forced a level of honesty most marriages never touch. Laura gets direct with the wives who feel judged by other women for staying, and what she wishes every friend group understood about the courage it takes to sit in the fire long enough to know what you really want. Carl walks through the difference between forgiveness and trust, why "prove it to me" is the wrong posture for a betrayed spouse to take, and why the person who broke it doesn't get to carry all the work either, they get to carry all the responsibility.Stay for the reframes that anchor the whole episode: your marriage doesn't need to be the same, it needs to be honest. Staying isn't weakness, it's often the harder path. Forgiveness releases you. Trust is theirs to rebuild. And the closer worth writing down: zero fault does not mean zero work.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
- 3 weeks ago46 min
Forgiveness, Triggers, Relapse, and Alcohol: Your Questions Answered
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.comWe're home in Virginia Beach and back in the mailbag. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take on four of the most common questions couples in recovery keep sending in. Not the surface-level questions. The ones people ask when they trust the answer is going to be honest.The first: is forgiveness the same as reconciliation? The couples who get stuck here almost always confuse the two, and it costs them years. The second: how do you tell the difference between a real danger sign and old trauma firing again? Laura walks through the exact tool she uses to defuse a trigger in real time before it hijacks the whole conversation. The third: what do you do when the fear of relapse becomes its own weight in the marriage, and are ultimatums ever a good idea? Carl gets honest about his own slip-up five months into recovery, why they've thrown out the word "relapse" entirely, and the honesty system that carried them through: a 24-hour rule that eventually became a daily check-in. The fourth: does alcohol help or hurt long-term recovery, and how do you know when it's crossed the line from social to self-medicating?You'll hear Laura get direct about why "resourceful, not right or wrong" is the frame every couple should adopt when they're rebuilding routines. Carl walks through the difference between relief and healing, why environment matters more than morality in a season of repair, and why the couples who make it long-term stop performing for outside judgment and start building for evidence instead.Stay for the tool that will help someone this week (VATS: Verify, Ask, Truth, Support), the reframe worth writing down (reconciliation requires evidence, not just words), and the closer that anchors the whole episode: feelings of safety don't build a marriage. Evidence of safety does.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
- 4 weeks ago39 min
The Three Listener Questions Every Betrayed Spouse Needs to Hear
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.comCarl and Laura are back with a new season, a new studio, a new book, and one of the most tender openings this show has ever had. Before Carl and Laura get into the listener questions, Carl opens up about the sudden loss of his sister Rachel, what he's learned about carrying grief and honor at the same time, and the reminder her life left him with: don't wait to say the things you actually feel.From there, they dive into three listener questions that go straight to the heart of what real repair looks like after betrayal. The first: what is the actual difference between shame and remorse, and how do you know which one is driving your spouse? The second: what does it look like to make real amends 21 years, three affairs, and a mountain of damage later, and are there times when the healthiest amends is the one you don't send? The third: how do you hold onto hope in a marriage that feels stuck, when the person who broke it seems to be sitting on the fence about whether to stay?You'll hear Carl get direct with the men who are still leading their apologies with self-pity, self-flagellation, or the quiet expectation that their spouse should carry their pain for them. Laura speaks to the women trying to raise teenagers through the fallout of a father who has stepped out of the picture, and she walks through what real, unvarnished conversations with kids can actually look like. Together they unpack the difference between words and evidence, why "amends" and "contact" are not the same thing, and why hope has to be built on what's actually happening, not what someone keeps promising.Stay for the reframes that anchor the whole episode: shame keeps the focus on you, remorse keeps the focus on the person you hurt. You don't need contact to make things right. Kids can smell inauthentic more than any of us. And the closer that will land for anyone quietly holding on: reality is not the enemy of hope. It's the soil where the only real hope actually grows.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
- Aug 17, 202656 min
The marriage questions people are afraid to ask out loud
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.comSince Lights On started, we've been asked a lot of questions. Some out loud. Some in private messages. Some in the middle of a conversation with couples we love. In this special episode, Carl and Laura pulled the eleven hardest, most common, most necessary marriage questions into one place.This episode is for the couple sitting at the dinner table not saying what they really want to say. The wife wondering if what she's feeling is normal. The husband asking whether he still has the right to want more. The parents trying to figure out what to say to their kids. The couple healing from betrayal. The couple who was never touched by betrayal but is still fighting the same fight every year. The reader who's just curious how anyone builds a marriage that actually lasts.Carl and Laura get honest about the questions they've been asked over and over again. Should I stay or should I leave? Can trust actually be rebuilt after it's broken? What do you say to the children? What if you know your spouse is still lying? What's the difference between a marriage worth fighting for and a marriage worth grieving? How do you know if you're healing or just surviving?There are no easy answers here. But there are honest ones. And for anyone in the middle of any of these fights, honest is what actually starts to help.Stay for the reframes that have become the backbone of this show: unhealthy people can stay and unhealthy people can leave. The affair was the diagnosis, not the medicine. You cannot save your face and your soul at the same time. You didn't fall out of love, you fell out of focus. And the one that anchors it all: you are not behind. You are right on time.If you're new to Lights On, this episode is the door. If you've been walking with us for a while, this is a reminder of how far you've already come.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
- Aug 10, 202639 min
How to actually change the climate of your home
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.comThe Summer Shots series continues, and this week's shot is the simplest and hardest one yet. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get into the third shot in the series: a 20-minute walk together, every day, for one week. And underneath it, the bigger conversation almost no couple is having on purpose. Who is actually setting the climate in your marriage?Carl and Laura walk through the greenhouse metaphor: how plants and people alike thrive or wilt based on the environment they're placed in, and why most couples blame each other for things the climate was quietly producing all along. Together they name the five things that shape the atmosphere of every marriage: your words, your emotional presence, your habits, your attention, and your expectations. Change any one of them, and the whole house feels different.You'll hear Carl get honest about how a spouse's climate can quietly cover for who they really are, and why "amending" the plan when life hits still counts as keeping the commitment. Laura walks through why side-by-side beats face-to-face for the hardest conversations in marriage, and why the couples who thrive are the ones building rhythms nobody's watching. Stay for the science behind why walking regulates your nervous system, the "too busy" excuse this challenge quietly exposes, and the bonus shot every married couple should try at least once: praying over each other out loud.If you've been waiting for a perfect moment to change the tone of your home, this is the reminder that it doesn't work like that. Small, consistent decisions do.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
- Aug 3, 202632 min
How to encourage your spouse in a way they actually feel
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.comLast week Carl and Laura kicked off the Summer Shots series with the challenge to cut criticism for a full week. This week, they build on it with the second shot: intentional, specific, planned encouragement. Because taking something out only works if you put something better back in.In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about why encouragement almost always gets lost the longer you're married, why "useful" isn't the same as "valued," and why so many people confuse being needed with being loved. They walk through a simple two-step plan any couple can try this week: a morning shot of intentional encouragement, and a 5pm identity text that reminds your spouse who they are, not just what they did.You'll hear Laura get honest about the difference between appreciation and admiration, and why every spouse wants to be admired long after the newness fades. Carl speaks to the men still leading with "if she really loved me, she wouldn't need reminders," and why planning connection is not weakness. It's what people who value their marriage actually do. Nobody schedules criticism. But planned encouragement changes atmospheres.Stay for the phone reminder story that will make you laugh out loud, the reframe that will land for someone this week ("you become what you're noticed for"), the difference between digging for gold and digging for dirt, and the seven-day experiment worth actually trying.Home should feel different from the rest of the world. This week we get into how to make it that way on purpose.Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
About Lights On with Carl Lentz
Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives.Turn on the lights with us!
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