Humility & Marriage

In one of the more famous pesukim in the Torah, Moshe Rabbenu tells the people in Parashat Va'et'hanan (4:4), ואתם הדבקים בה' אלוקיכם חיים כולכם היום – "And you, who are attached to Hashem your G-d, are all alive today." One of the commentaries offers us insight into the pasuk by noting that the gematria (numerical value) of the word חיים ("alive") is 68, which is twice the gematria of the word דל , which means "impoverished" or "lowly." Only a person who is exceptionally דל – humble, with "double" humility – can achieve the level of דבקים בה' אלוקיכם , of being "attached" to Hashem. When a person lives with extreme humility, recognizing his frailty, his weaknesses, his faults, his unworthiness, and his dependence on Hashem for everything, then he is constantly connected to Hashem. He is at all times acknowledging all that Hashem has done for him, thanking Hashem for everything he has, and praying to Hashem for everything that he needs. And when a person reaches this level, then he is truly חיים – "alive." Many people intuitively think that they are more "alive" and successful when they are self-assured and aggressive in pursuing what they want. The Torah is teaching us that to the contrary, a key to a happy, fulfilling life is "double" humility, submitting to Hashem's will and placing Hashem at the center of everything. If a person lives for himself, only for his own gratification and enjoyment, rather than for the higher purpose of serving Hashem, then his life is empty and lacks meaning. There is another pasuk in the Torah where we find the root דבק – "attached," and that is in the Torah's description of marriage: על כן יעזוב איש את אביו ואת אמו ו דבק באשתו – "Therefore, a man leaves his father and mother and attaches to his wife" (Bereshit 2:24). In marriage – like in one's relationship with Hashem – "attachment" requires humility and selfless devotion. ודבק באשתו means creation a deep, genuine emotional bond, and this cannot happen without selflessness. It requires listening, accepting, acknowledging, validating, understanding, and being flexible. All of these qualities demand humility, putting one's own ego and one's own interests to the side in order to make room for somebody else's needs. This week marks Tu B'Av, the day which the Mishnah (Ta'anit 26b) says was one of the two most joyous days of the year. It was a day when the unmarried girls would go out into the vineyards, and the young men would come and shidduchim were made. The Mishnah tells that the girls would all wear borrowed dresses, so that those from poor families would not feel embarrassed. One of the commentaries pointed out that this arrangement ensured that the girls would not feel overly proud. When people borrow clothing, they feel somewhat less comfortable and proud of themselves. When people are preparing for marriage, one of the most important qualities is humility. If a person is too consumed with himself, if a person is too self-absorbed, then he cannot take someone else's feelings, needs, wishes and preferences into account, and the marriage is not likely to be a happy one. Marriage is about דביקות , attachment, and this requires selflessness. When a husband and wife succeed in building that attachment, then they can be said to be truly חיים – "alive," with joy and vitality, connected in a way that brings unparalleled fulfillment and happiness.